Thank You

Its been a long time since i've posted anything and i first want to say thank you to so many who commented on my posts, gave me strength, encouragemet and sometimes a reason for a small smile.

The reason i've been MIA is because i was pregnant and have been blessed with a baby girl. It was a very very tough pregnancy that could've ended with both my baby girl and myself joining my angel but we survived.

I now close this blog in hopes to give her the love and worship that she deserves. I told Mr. hubby today that I was 33% empty before and am now 25% empty, and that it seems unfair to her. His reaponse was she has 25% of us and Azlan will always have his 25%...thats fair to him....she has our love, we never had a chace to show him what he meant to us.

So i end this with tears and a message to all you angel moms and dads, if you try to have another child...it will not be easy...its emotional torture every breath of the way...but is worth all the pain. If you've decided not to, know that you were blessed with your angel for as long as fate allowed and you carry a piece of him or her for all eternity. And if you already have children, never feel guilty for shedding tears for your angel. They deserve to be remembered in ay wa you know how.

Love and hope to all...

Yes Man (Woman)

Jim Carrey's movie, Yes Man is based on a true story. I didn't know this untill I accidentally read the article in TV Guide. On my way to work I was thinking how would that be? Just say Yes to everything without thinking twice.

For someone who overthinks everything, this is extremely hard to do. So I tried it today...for a lunch invitation by some coworkers. I have maybe ONCE gone out for lunch with people form work...being in HR makes it hard to socialize.

It was awesome. I must try saying yes again.

Lost Puzzle Pieces

Ever get that incredible sinking feeling when you feel like nothing will ever fit together quite right again? I've been feeling that way lately and the more i try to fight it, the more it eats away at me from inside. Feeling this way and acting upon it makes everything in life in haywire, from family to friends to work.

Its funny, lately i've been getting a lot of satisfaction from working. I've been working on a project for UNDP involving a citizens report card survey for a government agency (sounds a lot more glamouress than it really is) and free lancing for a chinese agency that is teaching english. I was never the kind of person who made work their first priority, family was always the most important and i'm a little worried that there two categories may switch places.

All there thoughts arise when it feels like things are completely out of whack. I really need to get myself back on track. At least i realize that.

Forgotten Meals

I love to cook. OK, let me rephrase that, I love to cook when the weather in Karachi is not hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Below are a couple of meals/breakfasts that really were special! I just kept forgetting to actually put them up here. I think, I'm actually one of those people that live for food! Horrible in trying to lose weight, but really make you happy! Mr. Hubby calls me the bottomless pit! :P


Chili Cheese and Mushroom Stuffed Omelet with Spanish Marmalade Jam and Orange Carrot Juice. This marmalade is simply the best I've ever had!


I made these tortillas at home using a tortilla maker. The first couple exploded inside the maker! But the rest were lovely and chewy! You can see a good detail of filling here, including chicken, cheese, jalapenos, and corn.

Contradicting Healing

I think my taste in music is extremely out of sync with it self. Two
songs i feel that provide a great deal of healing and strength are, :
Linkin Parks 'New Divide' and Evenecene: 'My immortal'. They're two
such different songs but the melody in New Divide has this amazing
power and strength to it and My Immortal . Well that kind of speaks
for itself.

A long while back i realised that when i couldn't sleep listening to
some extremely loud music would put me to sleep. Maybe thats why New
Divide speaks to me now. I highly suggest that you listen to it.

Desensitization

I was recently having a conversation with someone at the office, J. She had recently found a box of very young puppies that had been left in the sun by a person that obviously had no heart. The sun shines in Karachi 10 months of the year and it SHINES. These poor puppies actually were sun burnt. J tried to save all of them but sadly 2 died and 1 survived. She was telling me how initially she was going to leave them but realized how desensitized we as a society have become. When you regularly read headlines of people being killed, suicide bombs going off, 3 puppies left all alone don't seem all that much.

This morning as Mr. Hubby and I were leaving for the office, we found a little kitten lying on our drive way. The first thing I said to him was: "Don't call it, she'll come to you for lovin" At this point I'm thinking, we're already running late and the last thing we need is a clingy kitten. Keep in mind that Mr. Hubby and I are cat lovers. I tried shooing her away but she wouldn't move. I moved closer and realized that her hind leg had been mauled and she couldn't stand up. She apparently had been lying there for some time because I saw BIG ANTS crawling all over her back legs. At this point Mr. Hubby said to me "Don't look at it too much." He knows that I tend to have extremely vivid dreams and something like this would set off my crazy dreaming phase.

So I stood in front of the kitten so he could take the car out without accidental crushing her. In the car, I started remembering my conversation with J and thinking back to all those times I rescued hurt kittens and birds. Most of the time, with my mom's help I would be able to get these animals back on their feet. I felt so guilty. How could I leave that innocent little kitten to most likely die before we got home? I told Mr. Hubby and his response was "I feel guilty too, but neither you nor me have the time to take her to the vet. That's our reasoning". Reasoning. We reasoned with ourselves to make desensitization acceptable.

I'm embarrassed to say, that at one point I hoped something would just take the kitten away. Put it out of her misery and not make us feel guilty anymore. I feel like a very bad person today. I think that kitten was left on our doorstep to make me feel this. I've been turning away from lost or hurt animals because I don't think I would be able to take one dying on me. Perhaps its time I realize I can't runaway from the death of other living things anymore.

Dream

Extremely Vivid Dream:

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Mr. Hubby and I were at a graveyard. In the dream, it was the same one where his grave is. But in the dream, it was a HUGE graveyard. Mr. Hubby was walking in front of me and he managed to get so far ahead I had to drive in the graveyard to catch up with him (note that I really don't like to drive, i can barely drive as it is).

So I finally get near him and he's still far away walking along the edge of this huge hill. The grave yard is extremely dry and dusty. I'm then inside a cave in the graveyard and there's water leaking in side. The water is leaking in such a way that all the bones of the buried have come out. Except that one, they're not completely decomposed and two, they're exactly in the position that they passed away in. I'm walking around this hill and there 7, 8 bones of tiny babies surrounding the hill. Along with 2 children hugging each other. In my dream I try not to look at those 'bodies' but its too late, I already had.

All of a sudden I'm inside a blue swimming pool. Crystal clear, cool water. I can breath under the water. And I know under me are buried a number of more children and a male figure - the 'care taker' of these children. And all of a sudden these children push through the earth and the tiles of pool and I'm surrounded by children swimming around me 5 or 6 of them. And they're laughing and smiling, and bobbing up and down in the water. And one of them, a girl I believe, says to me "But we're so happy! We like it here. We're so happy!"

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This dream disturbed me for a very long time that day...I only told Mr. Hubby about it that night because I could no longer focus on what he was saying to me. Only when I told him did I start to believe that this dream was meant to be a happy one. What I suppose I will wonder the rest of my life is, was it put together in my subconscious from all the experiences I've had or was it sent to me with a purpose...