Reminder to Self

Reminder to Self:

Whenever you get unbelievable angry or short tempered with Mr. Hubby:

- Remember how he spent 22 hours watching you in labor when you're not able to deal with putting aftershave on cut spots
- Remember how he held you every night that you cried your heart out when he would go and cry all alone
- Remmeber how he pushed both of you to go on vacation after Azlan and comforted you when you were wrapped up in your world of misery
- Remmeber how he pushed you to once again be successful for your job when he was going through tough times at his
- Remember how he supported all your insane hobbies that goes more insane after Azlan when he lost his love of playing music
- Remmber how he watched three chick flicks on women's day when he'd much rather be watching the cricket match
- Remember how he helps you in the kitchen when he'd rather rest after a long day at work
- Remember how he constantly tells you to spoil yourself when he doesn't spoil himself at all

Remember how things are just as they were in the beginning, only deeper, stronger and more real than ever before.

The First "Could we be?"

This weekend brought on one of the most agonizing questions of COULD WE BE PREGNANT? I was obviously late by a couple weeks but work has been excessively difficult due to a number of layoffs that we were doing. I realized more than ever before how complicated women are and how even though we're so extremely complicated in "normal" situations how we become even more complicated when under stress!

So I took the home pregnancy test and it came out negative. But still, I wasn't sure, I wasn't comfortable so I finally went in for the blood test. I tried not to think about it and failed miserably which obviously stressed me out even more than before. No matter what I did in the back of my mind I would be thinking "What if we are?" "What if we're not?" I didn't want to accept either answer because one opened the doors of disappointment and one opened the doors of fear.

We did a bunch of errands before picking up the results...I think subconsciously we were putting it off as much as possible. Mr. Hubby went to get the results while I waited in the car after doing a small errand. He comes back, sits down and says "Here we go again?" and after an initial goofy smile on my face I said "What?" and the fear kicked in like a hammer pounding my stomach. I looked at the test completely confused because a part of me didn't want to believe what he had just said and as I stared at the numbers I just said "I'm really confused". Turned out we were wrong and rather than reading "0.0100" he read "100". So we weren't. And I got a sense of relief - no sense of disappointment at that time anyways.

We went on our way, we had a crabbing trip planned out that day and the entire way there I had tears rolling down my tears. Luckily and surprisingly they were only on the left side of my face so he had no idea and by the time we got there it was dark and no body knew. And why those tears? Not because I was disappointed but because I missed Azlan so much more than ever before. And i could remember how things were so very different when we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby and how excited we were the entire time. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that our lives and his would turn out this way.

I later asked Mr. Hubby what he was thinking on the way back to the car when he thought we were and later on when he realized we weren't. It always amazes me how 'detached' he can make himself be. He hadn't been thinking about "What if we are/What if we're not" and though the walk back to the car was agonizing for him he was relieved once he realized we weren't.

I suppose one can summarize all this as "Fundamental differences between Men and Women."

Can't Deal with Small Talk No More

Can't do it. Really. Tried. Desperately. Tried desperately only because I was at my inlaws and really didn't have a choice. So on one side of the table they were talking about "the first night of marriage" - a very scandalous topic since pre-marital sex is largely not part of the culture here but one that I really don't want to hear! And on the other side of the table they were talking about children and how its far better to have them back to back - and that's a topic I REALLY don't want to discuss...with anyone.

So for a while I kept looking from one side to the other, trying to act interested without catching anyone's eye, simply from fear of being forced into the conversation. I kept looking over to the other side of the lawn where Mr. Hubby was standing and clicking away on his new found passion of unlimited Internet on his cellphone and thus his new found addiction of facebooking. And I'm thinking to myself, I really just want to go stand with him and not deal with all this small talk crap.

What was the big deal? The fact that if I did, the usual gossip of "These two just hang out together", "These two are so antisocial", "These two are still so in love" - all said in taunting ways would begin. And after about 5 minutes of trying to be social, I just gave up. And we did act antisocial and we did act like we were still in love. And we really didn't care.

So I can't deal with small talk no more, and neither can he. We're in our little bubble because we're comfortable in it. Small talk doesn't mean much. It may to some people so that they can go and make fun of what others were saying later. But whats the point of going on and on knowing that neither you nor the other party is enjoying what you're saying? Once upon a time I could do it. But perspective on everything changes once your heart has been broken into a million pieces - useless things seem all that much more...useless. You no longer really feel like wasting your time for others. Well, at least I don't.

For now, I'm content that I can now share my new views of a very isolated life with at least one other person. And we're happy together.