Dream

Extremely Vivid Dream:

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Mr. Hubby and I were at a graveyard. In the dream, it was the same one where his grave is. But in the dream, it was a HUGE graveyard. Mr. Hubby was walking in front of me and he managed to get so far ahead I had to drive in the graveyard to catch up with him (note that I really don't like to drive, i can barely drive as it is).

So I finally get near him and he's still far away walking along the edge of this huge hill. The grave yard is extremely dry and dusty. I'm then inside a cave in the graveyard and there's water leaking in side. The water is leaking in such a way that all the bones of the buried have come out. Except that one, they're not completely decomposed and two, they're exactly in the position that they passed away in. I'm walking around this hill and there 7, 8 bones of tiny babies surrounding the hill. Along with 2 children hugging each other. In my dream I try not to look at those 'bodies' but its too late, I already had.

All of a sudden I'm inside a blue swimming pool. Crystal clear, cool water. I can breath under the water. And I know under me are buried a number of more children and a male figure - the 'care taker' of these children. And all of a sudden these children push through the earth and the tiles of pool and I'm surrounded by children swimming around me 5 or 6 of them. And they're laughing and smiling, and bobbing up and down in the water. And one of them, a girl I believe, says to me "But we're so happy! We like it here. We're so happy!"

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This dream disturbed me for a very long time that day...I only told Mr. Hubby about it that night because I could no longer focus on what he was saying to me. Only when I told him did I start to believe that this dream was meant to be a happy one. What I suppose I will wonder the rest of my life is, was it put together in my subconscious from all the experiences I've had or was it sent to me with a purpose...

Its Been a While

Its been a while since I've last put up a post. Often, with all the other angel baby blogs people stop writing when things are going good. To be honest, I still don't know if I fall in that category or not. Part of me says that my brain voice has just gone numb...quiet for now. Its a bit scarry because it reminds me of how my temper just simmers and simmers until one day it explodes! I hope my thoughts don't explode, that wouldn't be very nice on my migraines.

Truth is, yesterday was the last day I got a "salary". As one of my older posts about not having a job explains here, this was my own doing. However, I do fall into the category of people who have been hit very hard by this 'global economic downturn' which everyone is seeing. It bothers me that I'm in this position. I'd probably be considered very careless if it didn't, but even through pillow talk with Mr. Hubby yesterday I still couldn't put my finger on why. Then this morning, it hit me while I was working on my 3000 piece puzzle...I always wanted to work at home. I always wanted to work from home so that I could take care of my babie's'. And now I have part of that dream, just not the main part.

Someone recently wrote to me in a long chain of very touching emails:

All the friends i know who did take the journey said 'if i'm going to endure all this pain then goddammit some good had better come out of it'. and focused their energy on achieving a dream. in no case was it about money tho for some money was a byproduct.

I'm 'working' on many things right now, two of which are freelancing and putting on an art exhibition. The art exhibition - that's always been one of my many 'quirky talents'. So I decided, to keep myself motivated and going, I'm going to put up samples of what I've done here....

Most of these are inspired by some other art form...usually textile - it could be a tapestry or quilt. Most of these infact are quilts. The first one two I've already given away as gifts.

Here they are:


Morocco Evening


Sunburst

Lost

Just a little lost today.

Keep drifting off into day dreams. About how old he would be now...if he'd be talking, walking, crawling...what his smile would look like, how is laugh would sound.

Just a little lost today.

Can't concentrate. I'm supposed to be hunting for a job. I'm supposed to be writing a policy. I'm supposed to be writing on all the things I know about.

But I'm just a little lost today.

Another Dream

I had a dream where I was unwell so Mr. Hubby and me went to the doc. And the they did a whole battery of tests...weird ones...ones they would never do in real life for pregnancy like balance tests, and stress tests, and other tests I no longer remember.

In the end of the dream the doctor says to me

I'm so sorry to hear about the son you lost. But I'm very happy to tell you you're going to have a daughter. And a son. You're going to have twins.

Forget the fact that they could tell that when I must've "been" 6 weeks pregnant...In my dream I was so very happy. And then I rolled over and for a split second realized I was dreaming and instanteoously went back to sleep. But I couldn't return to that blisful dream. Instead in my dream I started crying and crying because I knew it wasn't true. And then I woke up again for a split second and thought, yay..here comes another post...and then went back to sleep and continued crying.

Surprisingly when I woke up I woke up compeltely fresh. Usually I'd wake up tired and exhausted - this time around, nothing.

Crazy Dreams

Everyone shares all the good dreams that they have after losing a child - and I don't think I've ever read or heard about someone's bad dream. It could be because they're quickly forgotten or because people just don't want to share them. Either reason is very understandable. I want to say "Sadly I haven't had a happy dream, not even one" but for some reason I don't feel sad about not having a happy dream about Azlan. The reason for that, as well as I can understand, is what is a dream going to achieve? Its just a dream right? So it doesn't really make much of a difference.

But bad dreams, I've had PLENTY of. And I tend to have very realistic, very clear dreams. This past weekend, my dreams have caused me to do things in my sleep that are ridiculously painful!

One morning I get to work wondering why my arms are hurting so much. And in the back of my head I constantly have this feeling - I should know WHY they're hurting. I kept wondering, never realizing until I was about to fall asleep that night. I remembered - I had been dreaming "something" and in reality I ran on my hands and knees across the bed and LEAPED off - yes, you read that right - I leaped off the bed. I woke up when the footboard slammed into my shoulders (thank god it wasn't my neck or chin!) and my hands hit the floor. The pain was enough to wake me up - but I was sleeping so deeply that I only managed to get back on the bed and fall asleep at the footboard. I later woke up and tried to get to the top of the bed, only to manage nearly falling off the side. Ultimately I did make it back to the top. I later remembered a little bit of what I had been dreaming - I dreamt Azlan was falling down - just downwards and I was trying to catch him. I don't remember much more than that. Except that it was really dark.

The next night, while sleeping, I kicked myself upwards, hard enough to bang my head against the headboard. Loud enough to wake my husband up who's a really really deep sleeper (he didn't stir the least bit during my leaping adventure). I mumbled I was OK and went back to sleep.

What's going on?? I really have no idea. I'm wondering whether I should see a doc to start taking sleeping pills, though obviously sleeping is not the issue. Maybe I should tie myself up! :P