Things That Upset So Much You Don't Want to Talk About Them

I used to be a teacher about 5 years ago. The school I taught in had separate classes for boys and girls and believe me when I say the girls were far more difficult to deal with than the boys.

Today while shopping I ran into two of them who reconized me. After the usual loud clucking like hens one of them said to me, "What happened? You've gotten so fat!" What I wanted to say was "Well yeah, you tend to gain weight when you have kids, and yeah my son passed away, so I've been doing a lot of stress eating. What I said was "Gee, Thanks" and just smiled.

This happened during a shopping trip that I went on with my mom and sister. On our way out, my sister pointed out to a book, "The Encylopedia of Dragons". The first itme I saw that book was about three months after Azlan grew his wings, and it broke my heart because that was exactly the kind of book I would have read to him. Once again, I just smiled.

Today was the kind of day I just didn't want to talk about.

The Physical Ups and Downs

I sometimes just want to scream to the world:

ITS NOT FAIR
It just isn't.

What's not fair? Vanity. Or rather, the miserable lows a woman hits due to vanity.

I'm generally not a vain person. Hell, I'm HORRIBLE when it comes to facials, manicures, pedicures, eyebrows, etc etc etc. In fact, I hardly if ever do any of those. But weight? Well, weight is something that bothers me. I've never been very fat or very thin. I've fluctuated and every time my weight's gone up I've worked out, ate right to bring it back to a decent number again. Its not the number craze for me either, its big stomach and fat arms and fat thighs that bother me.

I knew that things wouldn't be the same after being pregnant. I knew that the body would regain SOME of it shape but not all...by far. But what I wasn't ready for was the constant fluctuation due the stress eating that I've begun doing. I always loved food, but in general I maintained a healthy lifestyle. But after Azlan, depression phases would be rewarded with donuts, coke, popcorn, coffee...anything and everything junky.

The past few weeks, after dealing with his would be first birthday, my first experience with carrying out layoffs as an HR Manager, and the potential closing down of my company, I ate so much I actually don't fit into my old clothes anymore! The ones that I worked so hard to get back into! And I realized this morning when I got STUCK in one of my shirts. I could've burst into tears. And I was in such a foul foul mood. I could've killed someone.

But I got over it, thanks to continuous support form Mr. Hubby. Haven't been feeling so well lately so I haven't been working out the way I should. I know I'm going to go through another difficult week at work. I expect myself to expand more before I get my brain back into shape to get my body back into shape.

But I will. Because I can.