The Other Nursery

Since we lived in an extended family system we never set up the "nusery" when Azlan was born since it was going to be the corner of our room. Mr. Hubby was going to set up the crib while I recovered at my mom's place - the standard "procedure" in our culture when a couple is living in an extended family system. That was the plan.

Afterwards all the things at home were removed ever before I got back home. That itself is another story, about how people invaded personal space - thinking they were doing "what was the best" for us. But one way or another, everything got stowed away in closets and under beds.

The other nursery was one that I had set up in my office. Being the lead for the HR team, I was lucky enough to convince my company of opening a nursery within the office for women who have babies and would like to work. There was a girl who delivered just 3 months before I was going to deliver and another who delivered 3 months afterwards. So I figured, awesome - I'll plan this nursery for 3 babies, mine included.

I did everything for that nursery, from crib shopping, food warmers, boy/girl paint colors, blinds, sofa's the works. It's a small affair but it was just enough for us to work and have our little ones with us. Again, that was the plan.

The nursery started being used by the first baby while I was on maternity leave. After Azlan died, I didn't even think about this nursery until I joined work again - and that too a good deal afterwards. I just couldn't enter that room. It was a perfectly well put together nursery and my baby was supposed to be there - it wasn't supposed to be there without him. It took me 8 months - , 8 months of waking up in the morning, thinking today I will go in there, 8 months of crossing the nursery and thinking just walk in...8 months for me to go inside that room. And it hit my like a fist in my chest. It was so much harder to be in there than I thought it would have been. And I haven't gone back in there since then.

Whats worse is, again thanks to the 'blessings' of being in HR I'm the one who's responsbile for the miantenance of this nursery. Initially I kept fighting the issue but for how long? Today I finally got involved - and just the things that need to be done, have left me with a wonderful headache. Only because, my baby was supposed to be there too.