Reactions

I never really took a moment to stop and think about how the experience that I've been through has effected and continues to effect those around me.

Warning: Depressing, morbid post ahead.

Reaction 1: Going back a few blogs, regarding the Nursery that we have at my office I discussed how difficult it was to be in that nursery. What's more difficult is to come to terms with the possibility that those who use the nursery now consider me to be overly sensitive about the issue and according to them, probably bitter about it - thus not providing them the services that they deserve. HMMMM. I wish I could send out a direct reminder that I remain to be and will continue to be a professional Human Resource Department team member and that making the workplace better for all employees is always my number one priority at the office. Any feelings I may have about the Nursery will remain at home!

Reaction 2: I was recently venting to my "Life Mentor" - my former boss about how difficult people were being about the office nursery and how it was hard enough to put away Azlan's stuff, and hard enough to deal with the nursery here, but even worse how people were reacting to it. She's soon to become a grand mother and went on to say how her son had been telling her about all the shopping they had been doing and the fear that entered her heart because you never know what could happen with these situations. And how all she could do was say a little prayer and hope that everything will be all right for them. My reply to her:

"I didn’t know my “ex” physio therapist was pregnant – and she asked me if I had any kids, so I told her what happened, because they automatically would assume I was carrying a small child that was stressing my shoulder….what I didn’t know was she was 4 months pregnant….i felt so horrible for telling her, but then SHE told me how she’s trying to mentally prepare herself for any outcome, because you really don’t know. And though I think its very unfair for any pregnant woman to think that way, it helps if the family around them, at least thinks once that things can go wrong – that way, GOD FORBID if they do, the family is strong enough for each other. Afterwards, you continue to wish, hope, pray, and look forward to a happy, very happy baby. Which INSHALLAH (God Willing) you all shall have :)"

Its the truth - before I wouldn't even think such a thought. But now, I've had to face reality and it makes me feel so guilty that I'm one of the reasons why she had such thoughts, and I hope they never have to face such a situation. However, God forbid, if they do I hope it brings them closer together as a family.

Reaction 3: One of my very closest friends, lives half way across the world. Her grandmother passed away a month after Azlan did and she came back to Pakistan. The first thing she said to her mother when they found out was "I get to see Sarah". And she came, and we talked - I showed her his pictures and for one very short week we entered a Twilight Zone, where nothing mattered except for hearing each other's pain and giving each other strength. She went back to her life and very shortly afterwards was very happily pregnant. She's due very shortly and we haven't talked once during her pregnancy. I tried calling her a few times and couldn't get through. She said she'd call and never did. And I keep thinking of calling her. But for some reason I'm afraid to talk to her - afraid that I'll be a reminder of what could go wrong. And I'm wondering whether she wants to talk to me or not.

I really don't know - and I hope me/we get over it so that I she can hear how excited I am for her.