Thank You

Its been a long time since i've posted anything and i first want to say thank you to so many who commented on my posts, gave me strength, encouragemet and sometimes a reason for a small smile.

The reason i've been MIA is because i was pregnant and have been blessed with a baby girl. It was a very very tough pregnancy that could've ended with both my baby girl and myself joining my angel but we survived.

I now close this blog in hopes to give her the love and worship that she deserves. I told Mr. hubby today that I was 33% empty before and am now 25% empty, and that it seems unfair to her. His reaponse was she has 25% of us and Azlan will always have his 25%...thats fair to him....she has our love, we never had a chace to show him what he meant to us.

So i end this with tears and a message to all you angel moms and dads, if you try to have another child...it will not be easy...its emotional torture every breath of the way...but is worth all the pain. If you've decided not to, know that you were blessed with your angel for as long as fate allowed and you carry a piece of him or her for all eternity. And if you already have children, never feel guilty for shedding tears for your angel. They deserve to be remembered in ay wa you know how.

Love and hope to all...

Yes Man (Woman)

Jim Carrey's movie, Yes Man is based on a true story. I didn't know this untill I accidentally read the article in TV Guide. On my way to work I was thinking how would that be? Just say Yes to everything without thinking twice.

For someone who overthinks everything, this is extremely hard to do. So I tried it today...for a lunch invitation by some coworkers. I have maybe ONCE gone out for lunch with people form work...being in HR makes it hard to socialize.

It was awesome. I must try saying yes again.

Lost Puzzle Pieces

Ever get that incredible sinking feeling when you feel like nothing will ever fit together quite right again? I've been feeling that way lately and the more i try to fight it, the more it eats away at me from inside. Feeling this way and acting upon it makes everything in life in haywire, from family to friends to work.

Its funny, lately i've been getting a lot of satisfaction from working. I've been working on a project for UNDP involving a citizens report card survey for a government agency (sounds a lot more glamouress than it really is) and free lancing for a chinese agency that is teaching english. I was never the kind of person who made work their first priority, family was always the most important and i'm a little worried that there two categories may switch places.

All there thoughts arise when it feels like things are completely out of whack. I really need to get myself back on track. At least i realize that.

Forgotten Meals

I love to cook. OK, let me rephrase that, I love to cook when the weather in Karachi is not hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Below are a couple of meals/breakfasts that really were special! I just kept forgetting to actually put them up here. I think, I'm actually one of those people that live for food! Horrible in trying to lose weight, but really make you happy! Mr. Hubby calls me the bottomless pit! :P


Chili Cheese and Mushroom Stuffed Omelet with Spanish Marmalade Jam and Orange Carrot Juice. This marmalade is simply the best I've ever had!


I made these tortillas at home using a tortilla maker. The first couple exploded inside the maker! But the rest were lovely and chewy! You can see a good detail of filling here, including chicken, cheese, jalapenos, and corn.

Contradicting Healing

I think my taste in music is extremely out of sync with it self. Two
songs i feel that provide a great deal of healing and strength are, :
Linkin Parks 'New Divide' and Evenecene: 'My immortal'. They're two
such different songs but the melody in New Divide has this amazing
power and strength to it and My Immortal . Well that kind of speaks
for itself.

A long while back i realised that when i couldn't sleep listening to
some extremely loud music would put me to sleep. Maybe thats why New
Divide speaks to me now. I highly suggest that you listen to it.

Desensitization

I was recently having a conversation with someone at the office, J. She had recently found a box of very young puppies that had been left in the sun by a person that obviously had no heart. The sun shines in Karachi 10 months of the year and it SHINES. These poor puppies actually were sun burnt. J tried to save all of them but sadly 2 died and 1 survived. She was telling me how initially she was going to leave them but realized how desensitized we as a society have become. When you regularly read headlines of people being killed, suicide bombs going off, 3 puppies left all alone don't seem all that much.

This morning as Mr. Hubby and I were leaving for the office, we found a little kitten lying on our drive way. The first thing I said to him was: "Don't call it, she'll come to you for lovin" At this point I'm thinking, we're already running late and the last thing we need is a clingy kitten. Keep in mind that Mr. Hubby and I are cat lovers. I tried shooing her away but she wouldn't move. I moved closer and realized that her hind leg had been mauled and she couldn't stand up. She apparently had been lying there for some time because I saw BIG ANTS crawling all over her back legs. At this point Mr. Hubby said to me "Don't look at it too much." He knows that I tend to have extremely vivid dreams and something like this would set off my crazy dreaming phase.

So I stood in front of the kitten so he could take the car out without accidental crushing her. In the car, I started remembering my conversation with J and thinking back to all those times I rescued hurt kittens and birds. Most of the time, with my mom's help I would be able to get these animals back on their feet. I felt so guilty. How could I leave that innocent little kitten to most likely die before we got home? I told Mr. Hubby and his response was "I feel guilty too, but neither you nor me have the time to take her to the vet. That's our reasoning". Reasoning. We reasoned with ourselves to make desensitization acceptable.

I'm embarrassed to say, that at one point I hoped something would just take the kitten away. Put it out of her misery and not make us feel guilty anymore. I feel like a very bad person today. I think that kitten was left on our doorstep to make me feel this. I've been turning away from lost or hurt animals because I don't think I would be able to take one dying on me. Perhaps its time I realize I can't runaway from the death of other living things anymore.

Dream

Extremely Vivid Dream:

-----------------------

Mr. Hubby and I were at a graveyard. In the dream, it was the same one where his grave is. But in the dream, it was a HUGE graveyard. Mr. Hubby was walking in front of me and he managed to get so far ahead I had to drive in the graveyard to catch up with him (note that I really don't like to drive, i can barely drive as it is).

So I finally get near him and he's still far away walking along the edge of this huge hill. The grave yard is extremely dry and dusty. I'm then inside a cave in the graveyard and there's water leaking in side. The water is leaking in such a way that all the bones of the buried have come out. Except that one, they're not completely decomposed and two, they're exactly in the position that they passed away in. I'm walking around this hill and there 7, 8 bones of tiny babies surrounding the hill. Along with 2 children hugging each other. In my dream I try not to look at those 'bodies' but its too late, I already had.

All of a sudden I'm inside a blue swimming pool. Crystal clear, cool water. I can breath under the water. And I know under me are buried a number of more children and a male figure - the 'care taker' of these children. And all of a sudden these children push through the earth and the tiles of pool and I'm surrounded by children swimming around me 5 or 6 of them. And they're laughing and smiling, and bobbing up and down in the water. And one of them, a girl I believe, says to me "But we're so happy! We like it here. We're so happy!"

-----------------------

This dream disturbed me for a very long time that day...I only told Mr. Hubby about it that night because I could no longer focus on what he was saying to me. Only when I told him did I start to believe that this dream was meant to be a happy one. What I suppose I will wonder the rest of my life is, was it put together in my subconscious from all the experiences I've had or was it sent to me with a purpose...

Welcome 30's!

Finally hit the big three oh. For all the cliche feelings that hit
caused a good deal of depression, sleepless nights and a great deal of
pondering. Many different thoughts of the effect of age and fertility
crossed my mind and i kept making myself feel better by saying at
least i've had one baby before i turned 30.

Besides the fact that many woman now start their child bearing after 30, i still feel odd and too old. My mother had me in her early 20's and my sister in her
early 30's. At the time i thought 'Oh my god, she's so old'. Guess i'm there now, except that though i've had one child i don't have anyone that i'm mothering. In my head i'm already too old. I guess we'll have to see how i feel if and when i get pregnant.

For now, this post gets a special "30 something" tag, and we/I will
get to use that for the next 10 years. Also, this is my first testing
of blogging on the go and we'll see how that goes as well.

Here's to 30 something!

I wonder...

I can't figure out if this blog has served its purpose or if I've just become to busy to write.

36 hours of no electricity after 7 inches of rain in one night. Life's been interesting...we drove by a car that was FLOATING in the water...don't know how we weren't floating by that point.

Work has been so busy I hardly have time to breath. The house is upside down because of water from the rain, lack of water from no electricity, and lack of attention on my part thanks to work. Life feels like its being flipped upside down and right side up over and over again. Its all become so mumble jumbled. In a way that's good because I've become so very busy I hardly have time to breath...but just yesterday I said to my dad "I think I've taken on more than I can handle"...but I wanted this..I did. EXCEPT that the art exhibition is on hold...just for now. I'll do it, definately, as soon as life returns to normal....

What a random post!

Good Bye

Something is very wrong.

I haven't been able to write in a while even though everyday I feel like I have something to write. I just finished writing a post and it dissapeared into the black hole of bad internet connections. Really Sucks. Maybe its some kind of sign.

Its been a really tough week. I sent my mom off to her sister's - one of the less favored people in my personal books. I then sent one of my closests friends off to Canada permanently. Her little S and Azlan were, in her own words, tied together in one package...and now half that package is missing. I couldn't even hold little S for the longest time, probably until she was 4 months old, because it hurt so damn much. But once I got over it, holding her was always like holding a piece of Azlan. We even found out about little S while the four of us (actually 6) were having Crepe's one night and Daddy O said to Mr. Hubby "We thought that you baby boy could use some company while we jam". At the time, Daddy O and Mr. Hubby were in a band together that also no longer exists.

Daddy O and Mommy N are gone now. Knowing that thye'll have a much more exiting life makes everything a little easier but damn, I already miss them so much. Its like a little piece of everything is missing again. As a going away gift I gave them the four prints below. They can put them up anywhere...can't wait to see what they do with it.

The Numbness

Janice mentioned how the pain changes drastically after the one year mark passes. If before it felt like continuous unlimitless sharp blows to your body after one year it feels like a steamroller went over your soul - a little less sharp and a lot deeper. The pain doesn't disrupt my life in a day to day basis, its there...and his memories always flash themselves in my head but as much as I hate to type this even, its a TINY TINY bit easier.

The person I am is now changing forever...where last year, the time flew by in a tornado of sorrow and pain I think this year will be a little more calm. If last year was the storm, this year will be the calm after the storm.

To all of you out there, please know that even though you don't want them to, things get a little easier. In now way will you forget your little angels...why would you want to? Its just the pain becomes so accepted by your soul it doesn't seem so alien anymore. Your entire journey becomes a part of you.

Another piece almost ready for for my art show:


ZizZag
(Still has some 'cleaning up to do)

Its Been a While

Its been a while since I've last put up a post. Often, with all the other angel baby blogs people stop writing when things are going good. To be honest, I still don't know if I fall in that category or not. Part of me says that my brain voice has just gone numb...quiet for now. Its a bit scarry because it reminds me of how my temper just simmers and simmers until one day it explodes! I hope my thoughts don't explode, that wouldn't be very nice on my migraines.

Truth is, yesterday was the last day I got a "salary". As one of my older posts about not having a job explains here, this was my own doing. However, I do fall into the category of people who have been hit very hard by this 'global economic downturn' which everyone is seeing. It bothers me that I'm in this position. I'd probably be considered very careless if it didn't, but even through pillow talk with Mr. Hubby yesterday I still couldn't put my finger on why. Then this morning, it hit me while I was working on my 3000 piece puzzle...I always wanted to work at home. I always wanted to work from home so that I could take care of my babie's'. And now I have part of that dream, just not the main part.

Someone recently wrote to me in a long chain of very touching emails:

All the friends i know who did take the journey said 'if i'm going to endure all this pain then goddammit some good had better come out of it'. and focused their energy on achieving a dream. in no case was it about money tho for some money was a byproduct.

I'm 'working' on many things right now, two of which are freelancing and putting on an art exhibition. The art exhibition - that's always been one of my many 'quirky talents'. So I decided, to keep myself motivated and going, I'm going to put up samples of what I've done here....

Most of these are inspired by some other art form...usually textile - it could be a tapestry or quilt. Most of these infact are quilts. The first one two I've already given away as gifts.

Here they are:


Morocco Evening


Sunburst

Shitstorm

I read the word Shitstorm on someones comment on one of the blogs that I follow and I'm thinking to myself, hey! that suits my weekend perfectly. Its been nothing but a continuous shitstorm for me.

Start with Hubby's bday and wow, did I try hard to make it 'Just right'. And believe me when I say that making it 'Just Right' for someone who doesn't want to celebrate their birthday is A LOT harder than making it right for someone who does. Everything has to be barely enough without making it seem like things were forgotten. Should have known, that a shitstorm would blow through and screw everything up...down to the point that the perfect dinner that I made is currently in the freezer and still uneaten.

Second shitstorm was kind of a silent one. Don't know where it came from or why or how...but it sure as hell did come. In fact, I didn't even realize I was in the middle of a shitstorm until the end of the day. Thus, Saturday went by in a silent yet furious manner. It was also supported by a 'Tiff' that I had with my mom. I've never in my life used the word 'Tiff' but according to my brother that's what mom and I had. We're still trying to recover...but I tell you, I've become so impatient, so detached, that I think it might be harder for her than me...except that it did bring on a migraine, but then again what can you expect with a three day Shitstorm?

Sunday is now almost over. Started with a full blown shitstorm that actually began on Friday. Sigh...did I ever just want to explode and show the entire world what kind of shitstorm I could bring. But I'm working on being a more calm person. And contradictory as it may seem, I think this excessive calmness just might backfire, but we'll just have to see. Anyway, I came home and slept for 10-15 minutes, just to give my brain a rest from the unending shitstorm.

I'm tired. Glad all I have to do is unfreeze food tonight, and not really cook.

Things That Upset So Much You Don't Want to Talk About Them

I used to be a teacher about 5 years ago. The school I taught in had separate classes for boys and girls and believe me when I say the girls were far more difficult to deal with than the boys.

Today while shopping I ran into two of them who reconized me. After the usual loud clucking like hens one of them said to me, "What happened? You've gotten so fat!" What I wanted to say was "Well yeah, you tend to gain weight when you have kids, and yeah my son passed away, so I've been doing a lot of stress eating. What I said was "Gee, Thanks" and just smiled.

This happened during a shopping trip that I went on with my mom and sister. On our way out, my sister pointed out to a book, "The Encylopedia of Dragons". The first itme I saw that book was about three months after Azlan grew his wings, and it broke my heart because that was exactly the kind of book I would have read to him. Once again, I just smiled.

Today was the kind of day I just didn't want to talk about.

A City Meaner than New York

In a city that I think is meaner than New York (Even though I've never been there but lets face it, New York's reputations precedes it) I don't often expect to see any ounce of kindness from strangers. A few days back, I noticed that an ugly black dog had dug into the dirt in front of 'our house'(we actually rent a portion) and was just sitting there. I figured with the temperature at almost 100F she was probably trying to find a cool place to rest. The next day, I see two white rats next to her...hehehe, not quite rats...they were her puppies! They were so adorable. Honestly, they did look like rats and until you saw their face it was next to imposable to realize that they were actually dogs.

Never in my life had I seen such small dogs. I felt so bad for this dog...I wanted to feed her but was afraid that once her pups were grown up she'd start following me around. Imagine that! A stray dog following you on the streets, puppies or not, that's just freaky! So instead, on this day where the air itself seemed to be sizzling I gave her a bowl of water - and *gasp* even before I put it down she jumped up to get it...Scarry scarry!

Anyways later on in the day I saw that someone had put a big bowl of water down for the dog. I was in shock...(I tend to get in shock a lot I think...maybe I need to have a tag called "shock" for all the posts that say "I was in shock, I was in absolute shock :P)...but very happy.

The next day I came home, was pointing out the water bowls to a friend of mine and realized there was something white and slightly bloated on the grass...and that Ms. Doggy had dug deeper. Sadly, that little white bloated thing was a dead puppy :( I was so sad, its amazing how weak I've become now. Before I would have attributed it the whole circle of life concept but now, I just called Mr. Hubby up and was very upset. I should have known, something worse was coming.

The following day when I got home I saw a bunch of twigs and dead tree parts in Ms. Dog's hole. Turned out that someone on the streets chased the dog and her possibly alive last puppy and put thorns in her hole that took 3 days of effort so that she wouldn't come back.

The city didn't' disappoint me after all. Karachi is meaner than New York.

A Jumble of Thoughts

What an exhausting weekend this was. The only way I can justify to myself that it was okay to slip away again is because of two reasons: 1. I slipped away into myself but its not like I slipped away from the world. I continued to work, take care of the house, watched a movie, enjoyed time with the family, appreciated Mr. Hubby (a little late, but still, better late than never), and 2. A post written by Janice: http://keepingupwithangels.blogspot.com/2009/05/for-little-cubs-mama.html

The funny thing is, I only now noted what the title of this post is and I think it hit me now that Janice actually wrote this for me...I'm in shock and could burst into tears. I wanted to do that all weekend - just sit down and cry. I didn't because I felt like once I started I would never stop. The reason? That missing empty gap...the something is missing feeling...was so over powering...I just couldn't help from slipping deep into myself.

I think I'm out of it now...or maybe I'm not. Not quite sure yet. But either way I know that its ok to be where I am. The day I start pulling away from the world is the day I worry myself. But for now, I think I'm 'allowed' to slip into myself. Just because I feel like it.

Maybe today I'll go home, turn on the AC (its SO HOT in Karachi!) and make my 3000 piece puzzle. Usually that will calm down the frazzled nerves in my brain.

HMMMMM....that sounds like a plan :)

Hospitals

In Karachi, there are a few very well known hospitals. South City, Aga Khan and Ziauddin. South City is what a lot of people would call the snob hospital...very pricey very luxorious. The kind that the corporate yuppies go too. Aga Khan is the most well fitted hospital with the latest research and equipment but lacks the personal touch. Zaiuddin is somewhere in between and though not always aparent is considered a pretty decent place.

When one of the directors at my company found out I went to Ziauddin I got hell from him because it wasn't "the best" place to go. I tried telling him how a coworker of ours went there, an ex-employee went there, and my sister in law as well. I still continued to get hell.

Today over a year later I found out that the coworker of mine, who's daughter is just three months older than Azlan would've been got twice as much hell from this director after he found out what happened with Azlan. He GAVE it to her - kept telling her that she shouldn't have gone, that I shoudln't have gone. That it was all because of the hospital.

Over a year later I'm still learning how people reacted. This coworker of mine told me this today at lunch. Never once did we talk about what happened though we had shared every detail of our pregnancies we couldn't talk about this.

Another Child Gone to Heaven

CAIRO (AFP) – The 12-year-old grandson of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has died, the official MENA news agency reported on Tuesday.

Mohammed Mubarak, son of President Mubarak's eldest son Alaa, "died (Monday) after health complications suffered during the last two days," MENA said, without elaborating.

The 12-year-old boy had been taken to Paris for treatment. First Lady Suzanne Mubarak on Monday cancelled a trip to London to be with her grandson, Al-Shorooq newspaper said.

Mohammed's funeral was to take place in Cairo later on Tuesday.

12 years old. I want to say "Poor Kid", but he's already somewhere better. My heart goes out to the family.

Lost

Just a little lost today.

Keep drifting off into day dreams. About how old he would be now...if he'd be talking, walking, crawling...what his smile would look like, how is laugh would sound.

Just a little lost today.

Can't concentrate. I'm supposed to be hunting for a job. I'm supposed to be writing a policy. I'm supposed to be writing on all the things I know about.

But I'm just a little lost today.

Another Dream

I had a dream where I was unwell so Mr. Hubby and me went to the doc. And the they did a whole battery of tests...weird ones...ones they would never do in real life for pregnancy like balance tests, and stress tests, and other tests I no longer remember.

In the end of the dream the doctor says to me

I'm so sorry to hear about the son you lost. But I'm very happy to tell you you're going to have a daughter. And a son. You're going to have twins.

Forget the fact that they could tell that when I must've "been" 6 weeks pregnant...In my dream I was so very happy. And then I rolled over and for a split second realized I was dreaming and instanteoously went back to sleep. But I couldn't return to that blisful dream. Instead in my dream I started crying and crying because I knew it wasn't true. And then I woke up again for a split second and thought, yay..here comes another post...and then went back to sleep and continued crying.

Surprisingly when I woke up I woke up compeltely fresh. Usually I'd wake up tired and exhausted - this time around, nothing.