Saturday, November 29, 2008

Friends, Pregnancies, and Babies

Friends, pregnancies, and babies. Probably one of the most difficult things to deal with when you’ve lost your own child. To see the happiness and glow on the faces of others, trying to be happy with them, not letting your own sorrow get in their way. But usually failing miserably – hopefully not in front of them but even worse, when you’re alone. Thinking back to a time when you had the same dreams and hopes that they are now carrying forward. Not even sure whether its “right” to share these thoughts with other friends who don’t have children or even your partner. Because sometimes these thoughts just feel so wrong, so evil, with so much guilt.
But in the end you’re only human.

You’ve been through the worse loss that someone can go through. You expect to lose your parents and eventually you know that one partner or another has to go. But your child, even before you feel the first heartbeat or the first kick – you’re supposed to see that child grow up, you’re supposed to worry about how that child will deal with losing you; not the other way around.

Thus you’re only human. I feel its perfectly alright to feel the bitterness and the anger. For a while it may be all you feel when you see others and their children. But its important to achieve some kind of acceptance. Acceptance that you will move on, acceptance that things will get easier. Acceptance that they will or already have gone through their own form of tests in life, and this is yours.

Its even harder to achieve any kind of acceptance if you and your partner are on different planes at this point, which will most likely be the case. But at the point where the hurt is still too fresh, its important that both of you have the space to feel what you need and to be able to deal with others’ children in your own way.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Azlan's Story

Azlan was one of those babies who just knew, the world is a lot better in his mama's tummy. He refused to come on time, up until over a week later when labor was finally induced. I am now one of those mothers that wishes I could have held him inside me forever - at the same time I know, that where he is now is unfanthomably better than anything that me or this world could have offered him.

He was born completey healthy - had a good Apgar Score. I passed our during the c-section - his first cry woke me, followed by the second, followed by the doctor telling me that he peed all over her - like I said, born as a healthy baby boy.

Shortly afterwards, he developed problems which caused blood to come out of his mouth. I learned all this much later, I hadn't held him and they put him inside a ventilator. A little later, his lungs collapsed and they put him on three different kinds of anitbiotics - but his little body would respond to any of them. He fought for 14 hours, and only 15 minutes after his heart started slowing down he grew his wings and become one of God's angels.

His blood tests came back a few days afterwards and we learned that he had Staphylococcus Lugdunensis - all the googling in the world still leaves this bacteria a hidden evil villian, one which I guess I'll never fully understand. All I know is that it attacked his immune system and caused his lungs to collapse - the combonitation of which left us all where we are now.

My beautiful little angel - you'll forever be in our hearts.