Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Good Bye

Something is very wrong.

I haven't been able to write in a while even though everyday I feel like I have something to write. I just finished writing a post and it dissapeared into the black hole of bad internet connections. Really Sucks. Maybe its some kind of sign.

Its been a really tough week. I sent my mom off to her sister's - one of the less favored people in my personal books. I then sent one of my closests friends off to Canada permanently. Her little S and Azlan were, in her own words, tied together in one package...and now half that package is missing. I couldn't even hold little S for the longest time, probably until she was 4 months old, because it hurt so damn much. But once I got over it, holding her was always like holding a piece of Azlan. We even found out about little S while the four of us (actually 6) were having Crepe's one night and Daddy O said to Mr. Hubby "We thought that you baby boy could use some company while we jam". At the time, Daddy O and Mr. Hubby were in a band together that also no longer exists.

Daddy O and Mommy N are gone now. Knowing that thye'll have a much more exiting life makes everything a little easier but damn, I already miss them so much. Its like a little piece of everything is missing again. As a going away gift I gave them the four prints below. They can put them up anywhere...can't wait to see what they do with it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Numbness

Janice mentioned how the pain changes drastically after the one year mark passes. If before it felt like continuous unlimitless sharp blows to your body after one year it feels like a steamroller went over your soul - a little less sharp and a lot deeper. The pain doesn't disrupt my life in a day to day basis, its there...and his memories always flash themselves in my head but as much as I hate to type this even, its a TINY TINY bit easier.

The person I am is now changing forever...where last year, the time flew by in a tornado of sorrow and pain I think this year will be a little more calm. If last year was the storm, this year will be the calm after the storm.

To all of you out there, please know that even though you don't want them to, things get a little easier. In now way will you forget your little angels...why would you want to? Its just the pain becomes so accepted by your soul it doesn't seem so alien anymore. Your entire journey becomes a part of you.

Another piece almost ready for for my art show:

(Still has some 'cleaning up to do)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Its Been a While

Its been a while since I've last put up a post. Often, with all the other angel baby blogs people stop writing when things are going good. To be honest, I still don't know if I fall in that category or not. Part of me says that my brain voice has just gone numb...quiet for now. Its a bit scarry because it reminds me of how my temper just simmers and simmers until one day it explodes! I hope my thoughts don't explode, that wouldn't be very nice on my migraines.

Truth is, yesterday was the last day I got a "salary". As one of my older posts about not having a job explains here, this was my own doing. However, I do fall into the category of people who have been hit very hard by this 'global economic downturn' which everyone is seeing. It bothers me that I'm in this position. I'd probably be considered very careless if it didn't, but even through pillow talk with Mr. Hubby yesterday I still couldn't put my finger on why. Then this morning, it hit me while I was working on my 3000 piece puzzle...I always wanted to work at home. I always wanted to work from home so that I could take care of my babie's'. And now I have part of that dream, just not the main part.

Someone recently wrote to me in a long chain of very touching emails:

All the friends i know who did take the journey said 'if i'm going to endure all this pain then goddammit some good had better come out of it'. and focused their energy on achieving a dream. in no case was it about money tho for some money was a byproduct.

I'm 'working' on many things right now, two of which are freelancing and putting on an art exhibition. The art exhibition - that's always been one of my many 'quirky talents'. So I decided, to keep myself motivated and going, I'm going to put up samples of what I've done here....

Most of these are inspired by some other art form...usually textile - it could be a tapestry or quilt. Most of these infact are quilts. The first one two I've already given away as gifts.

Here they are:

Morocco Evening


Sunday, June 7, 2009


I read the word Shitstorm on someones comment on one of the blogs that I follow and I'm thinking to myself, hey! that suits my weekend perfectly. Its been nothing but a continuous shitstorm for me.

Start with Hubby's bday and wow, did I try hard to make it 'Just right'. And believe me when I say that making it 'Just Right' for someone who doesn't want to celebrate their birthday is A LOT harder than making it right for someone who does. Everything has to be barely enough without making it seem like things were forgotten. Should have known, that a shitstorm would blow through and screw everything up...down to the point that the perfect dinner that I made is currently in the freezer and still uneaten.

Second shitstorm was kind of a silent one. Don't know where it came from or why or how...but it sure as hell did come. In fact, I didn't even realize I was in the middle of a shitstorm until the end of the day. Thus, Saturday went by in a silent yet furious manner. It was also supported by a 'Tiff' that I had with my mom. I've never in my life used the word 'Tiff' but according to my brother that's what mom and I had. We're still trying to recover...but I tell you, I've become so impatient, so detached, that I think it might be harder for her than me...except that it did bring on a migraine, but then again what can you expect with a three day Shitstorm?

Sunday is now almost over. Started with a full blown shitstorm that actually began on Friday. Sigh...did I ever just want to explode and show the entire world what kind of shitstorm I could bring. But I'm working on being a more calm person. And contradictory as it may seem, I think this excessive calmness just might backfire, but we'll just have to see. Anyway, I came home and slept for 10-15 minutes, just to give my brain a rest from the unending shitstorm.

I'm tired. Glad all I have to do is unfreeze food tonight, and not really cook.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Things That Upset So Much You Don't Want to Talk About Them

I used to be a teacher about 5 years ago. The school I taught in had separate classes for boys and girls and believe me when I say the girls were far more difficult to deal with than the boys.

Today while shopping I ran into two of them who reconized me. After the usual loud clucking like hens one of them said to me, "What happened? You've gotten so fat!" What I wanted to say was "Well yeah, you tend to gain weight when you have kids, and yeah my son passed away, so I've been doing a lot of stress eating. What I said was "Gee, Thanks" and just smiled.

This happened during a shopping trip that I went on with my mom and sister. On our way out, my sister pointed out to a book, "The Encylopedia of Dragons". The first itme I saw that book was about three months after Azlan grew his wings, and it broke my heart because that was exactly the kind of book I would have read to him. Once again, I just smiled.

Today was the kind of day I just didn't want to talk about.