Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Other Nursery

Since we lived in an extended family system we never set up the "nusery" when Azlan was born since it was going to be the corner of our room. Mr. Hubby was going to set up the crib while I recovered at my mom's place - the standard "procedure" in our culture when a couple is living in an extended family system. That was the plan.

Afterwards all the things at home were removed ever before I got back home. That itself is another story, about how people invaded personal space - thinking they were doing "what was the best" for us. But one way or another, everything got stowed away in closets and under beds.

The other nursery was one that I had set up in my office. Being the lead for the HR team, I was lucky enough to convince my company of opening a nursery within the office for women who have babies and would like to work. There was a girl who delivered just 3 months before I was going to deliver and another who delivered 3 months afterwards. So I figured, awesome - I'll plan this nursery for 3 babies, mine included.

I did everything for that nursery, from crib shopping, food warmers, boy/girl paint colors, blinds, sofa's the works. It's a small affair but it was just enough for us to work and have our little ones with us. Again, that was the plan.

The nursery started being used by the first baby while I was on maternity leave. After Azlan died, I didn't even think about this nursery until I joined work again - and that too a good deal afterwards. I just couldn't enter that room. It was a perfectly well put together nursery and my baby was supposed to be there - it wasn't supposed to be there without him. It took me 8 months - , 8 months of waking up in the morning, thinking today I will go in there, 8 months of crossing the nursery and thinking just walk in...8 months for me to go inside that room. And it hit my like a fist in my chest. It was so much harder to be in there than I thought it would have been. And I haven't gone back in there since then.

Whats worse is, again thanks to the 'blessings' of being in HR I'm the one who's responsbile for the miantenance of this nursery. Initially I kept fighting the issue but for how long? Today I finally got involved - and just the things that need to be done, have left me with a wonderful headache. Only because, my baby was supposed to be there too.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Blueberry Custard Pie

The smell of fresh baked pie - enough to cheer anyone up - and give you that warm cozy feeling.

This is the first time I baked after Azlan, and I used to bake A LOT! The pie ultimately fell apart when being cut, but I did use canned pie filling :P This pie wasn't even for me, nor was it baked at my house - it was baked at my mom's house for a number of guests that had come. Infact, it wasn't even baked entirely by me, my sister made the custard that went inside. So I guess I haven't baked entirely by myself as yet - but hey its a start.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Calming Music

Damien Rice - Cannonball
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
The Verve Pie - Colorful
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

The Hug of Stranger

Almost 9 months now. In all these 9 months there have been various people, situations, ways in which I have told others "I had a son, but he passed away". And each time people have reacted differently, and in ways which really wasn't too surprising. Some would change the topic, and some would give some kind words of condolence and then change the topic. But never to this day has someone's reaction actually thrown ME off - until the day before.

A couple of my coworkers and I were meeting with a lady for conducting training for our company. The meeting went fine, business as usual. Afterwards she was telling us how she was trying to get her daughters into the training field as well, and asked myself and my coworker if we had any kids. My first answer to this question is a simple no...I know I've read that many people who have had similar experiences prefer to say yes the first time this question is asked, but for me, for now - the first answer is no - I don't have any children with me. However, this very interesting instructor had met my husband a day or so back at his company and she proceeded to say something along the lines "I'm surprised, you husband seems like a great person and seems like the person who would love to have kids". Well, once she said that, I told her - I told her we had a son and that we lost him.

Her reaction - blew me away. I could literally see the tears form in her eyes. And she went completely speechless. So I started to blab, because I don't like being the cause of catching someone off guard. Blabbing the usual, about how such things can make you stronger, or how we're lucky that as a couple we've become closer and all that. She went on to say that she had goosebumps, and I said I'm sorry - and at the same time I'm thinking, why am I saying I'm sorry?? She must have been wondering the same thing. Then she actually went on to ask what happened! In a very polite way but I was blown away again! How many people actually care to hear what happened?

We wrapped up the meeting shortly afterwards, but before she left she shook everyone's hand - and gave me a hug. And that hug, I believe I will remember for the rest of my life. Why? She didn't know me, sure its a sad story - but what difference did it make to her? But she felt for us - she felt for our loss - she felt sad that Azlan was gone. And she showed it. And that simple hug from a near stranger was enough for me to feel, hey - we really have people out there who care for and will care for us. Who may not bring up Azlan even though we want them to, but who still remember him. Who give us those few extra minutes that they otherwise wouldn't have given.

This is not to say we're starved for attention or a little love or a little comfort - but sometimes being reminded that we're not alone in all of this makes the day a little bit better.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Breakfasts That Make You Happy

So, on Sunday's - and sometimes Saturdays and sometimes holidays between the week, my husband and I like to spoil ourselves with killer breakfasts. And we've now begun to keep a collection of pictures just to show off to our friends!

Starting from the sausages, clockwise: Beef Sausages, Scrambled Eggs, Mexican Rice, Chicken Chimichanga, Cheese Quesadilla.

I call this, The Mexican Breakfast Plate!

By the way, the rice and chicken quesadilla were leftovers from a very big dinner the night before :P

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Generation Before Us

There's such a generation gap between every generation I wonder what the generation after mine will think about this one. The way we think, what our priorities are, the way we explain things to the "younger" generation. Everything's different.

We were visiting my husband's aunt - who must be in her late 60's or early 70's. She randomly started talking to us about Azlan, ofocurse never mentioning his name because such things are never mentioned. I wonder if they even know his name. But the gist of her talk to us revovled around trying for more children so that we could forget him. And I really wanted to say to her, we don't WANT to forget him - it has nothing to do with more children or not, we just don't and will not forget him.

And initially I started off exteremely angry at her, how could she just go on and on without thinking of what she was saying. The fact that she'd recently lost her husband did nothing to sooth my anger at her or try to be understanding. I only stayed quiet out of respect for her age. But afterwards, when we were leaving, Salman started talking about how genuine what she was saying was - how her prayers for us were all from the heart. And how we had so many people who actually cared enough for us to try to explain things to us - in their own way, but they cared.

So I guess thats what it comes down to - when people say things that make you wonder "What the hell were you thinking" look at things from their point of view - maybe they're doing only what they know.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Too Beautiful for Earth

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,

Then whispered as she closed the book,

"Too beautiful for Earth"


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Money and Happiness

About two minutes before my husband told me about J. Travolta's son passing away, he had been showing me pictures of the jets that he owns and flies - and I had said "That just shows that he has way too much money". And then we read that his 16 year old son had passed away.

My heart goes out to that family. Personally I feel that losing a child who is in their teens just is equally hard or harder than losing one who was just born. Both have their own trials.

But, one thing was driven home once again - the daily struggle for money. When it comes down to it money really can't give you what you need. Money really can't give you the happiness you require. When we heard that Azlan was unwell, multiple people told the doctors that money was not an issue. My mom, hubby, hubby's bro - but all the money in the world would not have saved our angel. And so very sadly, all the money in the world could not save J. Travolta's son.

Enjoy the pleasures in life! Running after a career or job that will give you money - is that really going to make you happy?

I think not.