Reactions

I never really took a moment to stop and think about how the experience that I've been through has effected and continues to effect those around me.

Warning: Depressing, morbid post ahead.

Reaction 1: Going back a few blogs, regarding the Nursery that we have at my office I discussed how difficult it was to be in that nursery. What's more difficult is to come to terms with the possibility that those who use the nursery now consider me to be overly sensitive about the issue and according to them, probably bitter about it - thus not providing them the services that they deserve. HMMMM. I wish I could send out a direct reminder that I remain to be and will continue to be a professional Human Resource Department team member and that making the workplace better for all employees is always my number one priority at the office. Any feelings I may have about the Nursery will remain at home!

Reaction 2: I was recently venting to my "Life Mentor" - my former boss about how difficult people were being about the office nursery and how it was hard enough to put away Azlan's stuff, and hard enough to deal with the nursery here, but even worse how people were reacting to it. She's soon to become a grand mother and went on to say how her son had been telling her about all the shopping they had been doing and the fear that entered her heart because you never know what could happen with these situations. And how all she could do was say a little prayer and hope that everything will be all right for them. My reply to her:

"I didn’t know my “ex” physio therapist was pregnant – and she asked me if I had any kids, so I told her what happened, because they automatically would assume I was carrying a small child that was stressing my shoulder….what I didn’t know was she was 4 months pregnant….i felt so horrible for telling her, but then SHE told me how she’s trying to mentally prepare herself for any outcome, because you really don’t know. And though I think its very unfair for any pregnant woman to think that way, it helps if the family around them, at least thinks once that things can go wrong – that way, GOD FORBID if they do, the family is strong enough for each other. Afterwards, you continue to wish, hope, pray, and look forward to a happy, very happy baby. Which INSHALLAH (God Willing) you all shall have :)"

Its the truth - before I wouldn't even think such a thought. But now, I've had to face reality and it makes me feel so guilty that I'm one of the reasons why she had such thoughts, and I hope they never have to face such a situation. However, God forbid, if they do I hope it brings them closer together as a family.

Reaction 3: One of my very closest friends, lives half way across the world. Her grandmother passed away a month after Azlan did and she came back to Pakistan. The first thing she said to her mother when they found out was "I get to see Sarah". And she came, and we talked - I showed her his pictures and for one very short week we entered a Twilight Zone, where nothing mattered except for hearing each other's pain and giving each other strength. She went back to her life and very shortly afterwards was very happily pregnant. She's due very shortly and we haven't talked once during her pregnancy. I tried calling her a few times and couldn't get through. She said she'd call and never did. And I keep thinking of calling her. But for some reason I'm afraid to talk to her - afraid that I'll be a reminder of what could go wrong. And I'm wondering whether she wants to talk to me or not.

I really don't know - and I hope me/we get over it so that I she can hear how excited I am for her.

Shattered

Every now and then your heart is forced to shatter all over again,

Like when you see the child of the women who you shared your pregnancy with
Like when you take the most beautiful picuture of your niece that could've been your son
Like when people behind you talk about their childs first smile, first steps, first words

And then you collect all those pieces and put your heart back togther all over again.

Small Gestures of Kindness

In my office I am unfortunate/fortunate enough to sit RIGHT under the AC which blasts cold air right onto my desk. Considering we live in a city with TEN months of summer it may be a blessing, but as someone once said to me, hot cities usually have excellent air conditioning my office gets really COLD! I'm one of those rare people that keep a shawl on me in JULY just because it gets so damn cold!

All that said, its a constant struggle with my coworkers - they constantly switch the AC on (with rightful reasons) and I constantly switch it off. Back and forth back and forth. We've all reached a silent understanding: They turn it on when I'm away and I turn it off as soon as I come back. Its a win-win situation. EXCEPT for in the morning when I also feel hot so I prefer having the AC on.

The dilemma for this time of day exists in the fact that since the AC blows directly onto my desk, my much needed morning cup of coffee or tea goes cold in TWO MINUTES FLAT! And everyone knows how precious that steaming hot cup of coffee or tea is to wake you up, clear your brains, and prepare you for that difficult day ahead. But when that AC decides to cool it down...its not much fun anymore.

So recently, right after I had turned the AC off I was telling a coworker of mine (Mr. X) who also gets blasted directly from the AC about how quickly my coffee cools down. Little did I know, another coworker (Mr. Y) who loves to have the AC on was listening as well. Today, I came in quite early and so had Mr. Y. I started drinking my cup of coffee (with the AC off of course). At one point, Mr. Y asked me - Sarah, are you done with your coffee? And I asked him, yes almost - why? Are you asking because you'd like to turn the AC on? And he says yes I would. I was blown away! He actually was considerate enough not to turn the AC on so MY coffee wouldn't go cold. And I hadn't even told him about the cold coffee dilemma, I had told Mr. X!

Even now, as I type this out I think how people have generally lost the ability to be kind and considerate for others. And I'm not talking about chivalry here. I'm just talking about putting the need of others before your own - just sometimes. We've become a generally selfish species and would be so much better off if we took care of our own kind.

So hats off to Mr. Y - I wish more people had your ability to be more considerate to the needs of others!

Weapons of Mass Hair-Do's

The last 3 hair cuts I've gotten are all in one way or another linked with Azlan. The first one I got in my first trimester when I was throwing up soooo much, I just wanted to feel better. At the hair dresser, I told the women thank you so much I really needed to be spoiled right now and we went through the usual conversations of how he was the first baby and how the others can get easier. And how we were excited and the usual small talk at a hair dresser.

The second hair cut I then got was about 9 months later. After he was gone and before I returned to work. It was the same place, different hair dresser. All she could do was go on about how thin my hair was and how much my hair was falling out and how I need to come in every 3 months to keep trimming my hair. Each time I was like Uh Huh, yes, you're right, I will...in my head all I heard was blah blah blah blah blah yap yap blah blah.

The third time was 6 months later, just a couple days ago. Same place again, and back to the first hair dresser. Of course neither one of them remembered me. I was very excited about this cut, because I had let my hair grow and grow and it looked pretty lifeless now. I had been trying to get through to them on a number which no longer worked so one Sunday my husband just said to me get ready - time to go...he just took me and left me there to get a cut - so I was caught pretty off guard. The funny thing is, every time I would go to get my hair cut I would go over and over what style I wanted and try to explain to them and they'd usually do a pretty good job. This time I went, picked up a hair style magazine, put it straight down and just told her - this length and feathered or layered or something. Do whatever you want. She cut the length and I'm like sure - thats fine...and she took about 20 minutes to finish. I had waist length hair and now it just falls under my shoulder. I hadn't intended to get it cut so short and my first reaction was "Oh my God" - and my second reaction was "Whatever". She then started to blow dry my hair and I asked her to stop. I HATE HATE blow drying. I feel like the hairdryer is going to burn my scalp off. But she insisted and again I was like OK - go for it.

Ultimately its a kick ass cut. But what I realized that I'm so indifferent about my hair now...where as before I was panicky as a foal. Its not a good or bad thing - just different.

Feeling the Pain of Others

After you've been through a loss that is so heart wrenching it becomes almost impossible to recover from, you almost become insensitive to the pain of others. That's a very negative place to be in. Most of us grow up being taught that you should look at people who have less than you do so that you can be more appreciative of what you have or never think that things can't get worse because they always can. But when you hit a point in life where you feel that your pain is the worst there is - that's hitting rock bottom and its really hard but equally as important to bring yourself up again.

In a recent meeting I was having with a coworker that was visiting from the US, we started talking about life after death and spiritual experiences. He went on to tell us that he had lost his wife to cancer and that had brought about one of the most profound spiritual experiences he had through a dream. A dream which involved his wife, her pain, and letting go. His sharing of the story was so sudden and so unexpected that it completely caught all of us off guard. And because it caught me off guard, after a very long time I was able to feel someone else's pain, feel for someone else's loss, where my loss was not the worse there is, and where someone else had gone through something very different but equally as painful in its own way.

I feel for this coworker of mine - to lose your life partner has to be one of the most difficult pains in life. And I know one of every couple has to feel it sooner or later. Its difficult to think, do I want to be the first that goes or do I want it to be my husband. Do I want to go before him so that I don't feel the pain once he's gone? Or do I not want HIM to feel loss all over again?

Ultimately its not in our hands. Its not in our hands whether our spouse goes first, whether our children die before us, whether we die before anyone else. Life just ends.

There's nothing we can do about it, except maybe enjoy every moment - as much as is humanly possible.

Bye Bye Kitty

Well, for those of those who were reading - Isis, my cat is gone to another home. For those who are new, read Pets After Loss.



She's gone to a great home - been taken by a friend of mine who has taken her for her grandfather who lives all alone. I hope they're happy together!

The Other Nursery

Since we lived in an extended family system we never set up the "nusery" when Azlan was born since it was going to be the corner of our room. Mr. Hubby was going to set up the crib while I recovered at my mom's place - the standard "procedure" in our culture when a couple is living in an extended family system. That was the plan.

Afterwards all the things at home were removed ever before I got back home. That itself is another story, about how people invaded personal space - thinking they were doing "what was the best" for us. But one way or another, everything got stowed away in closets and under beds.

The other nursery was one that I had set up in my office. Being the lead for the HR team, I was lucky enough to convince my company of opening a nursery within the office for women who have babies and would like to work. There was a girl who delivered just 3 months before I was going to deliver and another who delivered 3 months afterwards. So I figured, awesome - I'll plan this nursery for 3 babies, mine included.

I did everything for that nursery, from crib shopping, food warmers, boy/girl paint colors, blinds, sofa's the works. It's a small affair but it was just enough for us to work and have our little ones with us. Again, that was the plan.

The nursery started being used by the first baby while I was on maternity leave. After Azlan died, I didn't even think about this nursery until I joined work again - and that too a good deal afterwards. I just couldn't enter that room. It was a perfectly well put together nursery and my baby was supposed to be there - it wasn't supposed to be there without him. It took me 8 months - , 8 months of waking up in the morning, thinking today I will go in there, 8 months of crossing the nursery and thinking just walk in...8 months for me to go inside that room. And it hit my like a fist in my chest. It was so much harder to be in there than I thought it would have been. And I haven't gone back in there since then.

Whats worse is, again thanks to the 'blessings' of being in HR I'm the one who's responsbile for the miantenance of this nursery. Initially I kept fighting the issue but for how long? Today I finally got involved - and just the things that need to be done, have left me with a wonderful headache. Only because, my baby was supposed to be there too.