The Death Certificate

I saw it for the first time yesterday. My bro and sis inlaw had been keeping it for us and my hubby finally asked for it. Even though she had told me she had it and that we could take it any time, the thought of actually asking her for it never crossed my mind even once. It was just a document, one that I never thought I’d own, one I never thought about that existed in our lives.

We went over for dinner yesterday and she gave it to me. And I saw the photo copy first then the original. It didn’t even say his name on it – it just said ‘b/o Sarah’. It didn’t even say my full name. Made it all feel very distance – insignificant. Until I thought about it later – that one line “Name” that said b/o Sarah said in 3 small word that my son was dead, would always be gone, and would never be with me.

That one piece of paper said so much. But now that I’ve finally seen it, its part of the circle, part of the steps that are meant to be “the full cycle”. I said recently to my husband that maybe I should go see his grave. I still haven’t and maybe that’s going to provide some kind of closure. He feels I still won’t be able to go through with that but after seeing the death certificate yesterday and seeing that it doesn’t make me feel so horrible – maybe I could go through with that.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.