Misaligned Career

Following a career or any kind of direction is a very difficult thing to do when a dream that you've constantly have been aiming for was right there in front of you and then taken away.

This is how I've felt since Azlan left us. For the longest time I was so close to leaving my job - financial and mental impact really didn't make a difference. Then we went on vacation and things settled down a bit. Came back, started working with a little of the passion that I used to have. Went downwards by way of motivation again, went on a religeous experience - came back up.

For a long long time I stayed up and now I've hit the down phase again. And being in Human Resources where its part of my job to ensure that motivation of the entire team stays up - and having MY personal motivation in the pits puts you in a very difficult situation. And the fact that the ups and downs come and go makes it very difficult to talk to anyone about it, including my boss who is a very open door kind of person. But its being defensive on my side, thinking - don't say anything now, you'll hit the up again. But its just so difficult!

Right now, all I want to do is quit work, sit at home, focus on various forms of art - spoil my self with music and color - in a aura which is soothing and beautiful - not one where every Tom, Dick, and Harry is coming to me to solve their problems.

But having to be logical about it, I guess I'll just sit tight for now - and continue to see what's to come.