Its Time to Move On - What's That?

Its funny, I've received this message repeatedly from people close to me this week. I've answered both of them with "God forbid you ever have to know what this feels like, but since you don't - stop telling me to move on". One of them (the He) eventually understood and the other (the She) - well I literally had to walk out on her because she just would not stop pretending to know what she was talking about!

What drove home for He was when I said, it hasn't even been ONE YEAR. At this moment in my life, I'm counting down to Azlan's first birthday and subsequently one year since he's become God's angel. I've already planned my leave for that day. And I've already wondered if those two days will pass by in a blur? And just how I will get over them. And these people are telling me to MOVE ON? He realized that it hasn't even been a year and that it seemed a lot longer to him. I appreciate that. Because even now, it seems like only yesterday I could feel Azlan's little bugger feet poking all around my belly. The She? I didn't even try with her - some people are hopeless.

I'm not ready to accelerate in life, not just yet. For now, I'm on cruise control, and I'm happy as possible with that. I have not pulled the hand breaks on life, and hopefully have no intention of doing it.

Can't Deal with Small Talk No More

Can't do it. Really. Tried. Desperately. Tried desperately only because I was at my inlaws and really didn't have a choice. So on one side of the table they were talking about "the first night of marriage" - a very scandalous topic since pre-marital sex is largely not part of the culture here but one that I really don't want to hear! And on the other side of the table they were talking about children and how its far better to have them back to back - and that's a topic I REALLY don't want to discuss...with anyone.

So for a while I kept looking from one side to the other, trying to act interested without catching anyone's eye, simply from fear of being forced into the conversation. I kept looking over to the other side of the lawn where Mr. Hubby was standing and clicking away on his new found passion of unlimited Internet on his cellphone and thus his new found addiction of facebooking. And I'm thinking to myself, I really just want to go stand with him and not deal with all this small talk crap.

What was the big deal? The fact that if I did, the usual gossip of "These two just hang out together", "These two are so antisocial", "These two are still so in love" - all said in taunting ways would begin. And after about 5 minutes of trying to be social, I just gave up. And we did act antisocial and we did act like we were still in love. And we really didn't care.

So I can't deal with small talk no more, and neither can he. We're in our little bubble because we're comfortable in it. Small talk doesn't mean much. It may to some people so that they can go and make fun of what others were saying later. But whats the point of going on and on knowing that neither you nor the other party is enjoying what you're saying? Once upon a time I could do it. But perspective on everything changes once your heart has been broken into a million pieces - useless things seem all that much more...useless. You no longer really feel like wasting your time for others. Well, at least I don't.

For now, I'm content that I can now share my new views of a very isolated life with at least one other person. And we're happy together.

Advice to those with Children

Before I begin writing this post, let me make it very clear that I often am extremely hesitant about giving people who have children any kind of advice. I'm thinking, they're probably thinking - who does she think she is? She doesn't have any kids of her own. But let me also say something else, I DID have a child, I DID do a great deal of reading and planning on what he was going to eat, and wear, and when he was going to go to school, when he would be eating his first solid foods, and the kinds of activities he would do at 3 months, and 6 months, and 9 months, and finally when he hit 1 year (which is coming up by the way). I also raised my kid sister like a daughter, so I'm not a complete bimbo thank you very much!

Advice #1: Careers are not as important as kids. You CAN get back into the job market and there ARE ways to work form home thanks to the wonderful world of the Internet. Maternity leave is NOT enough. And you WILL miss very precious moments of your little monster's life and you WILL regret it. So unless its a financial requirement, which realistically it just may be take some time off work. And if you can financially make ends meet by working at home DO IT. What're you doing to regret more? A years worth of professional experience or the first year of your child's growth?

*Please note, I have been in the HR field for nearly 5 years. I know what I'm talking about.

Advice #2: For those of you that complain you just don't have any free time anymore because your children take up too much of your time. STOP COMPLAINING! Yes, I probably have a lot more hours in a day than those of you who have children, but believe me, if your children were taken away from you, you would NOT be happy with the extra time on your hands. Instead of complaining - learn time management and teach your husbands and kids to respect your needs!

Advice #3:When you kid starts walking - don't let them get near dangerous things, like swinging doors and table corners just because you're too lazy to move off the sofa or move from your dinner. It IS your responsibility to watch over your child! Yes I know, accidents happen, but think back and think how many accidents YOU could have avoided by getting off your butt! Tell the same to your spouse!

Advice #4:Don't be lazy about your child's diet. Don't you realize what you're feeding your child now will effect how healthy he/she is in the future? Why must people stuff their child with potatoes and KFC?! If you already are feeding your child well, then awesome, please ignore this. If not, really - apples and boiled carrots along with other fruits and veggies will only do good. They won't jump out and bite you and your child. And again, if you don't have time? Stop being so lazy and get your priorities straight!

Absence makes the heart grow fond - yeah, it sure does - but it also makes you see the lack of appreciation in others!

Fried Brain

Sometimes, my thoughts and emotions pull me in so many different directions I really think that one day I'm going to explode into a thousand different pieces. Times like this I wonder, what could I possibly do to put myself together before that actually happens. Even at this point, I'm thinking should I write a post about exploding or should I write a post about putting myself together. But since I don't know how to do the latter, I'll head to the first post.

My thoughts are so entangled that I actually closed this window and opened it again. So lets, untangle these thoughts so that I actually may go on to have a productive day at the office:

I just talked to someone who is one of the closest people to me, a friend so close that everytime I talk to her I'm reminded how important she is to me. She spent 2 months with me before I got married, and I never attended her wedding. And she's never held that against me. Her grandmother died just a little bit after Azlan (That's the first time I've used 'died' and 'Azlan' in the same sentence - The impact of that is going to hit much later, I'm sure). The first thing she told her mom was that she was going to be able to see each other. We spent every minute possible together during the short week that she was here - both being very strong and independent women, we try not to show our weaknesses - and when saying good buy came THIS CLOSE to bawling, but didn't because we knew if we did, we'd never stop.

She had a baby girl a few weeks ago. I congratulated her on facebook. In all honesty I tried calling her during her pregnancy, only when I heard she was really stressed. I didn't/coudln't otherwise. Once she had her baby, I didn't call immidiately - couldn't. She's one of the people I was thinking about when writing "Reactions". I didn't know if she wanted to talk to me, though I now think that fear was quite stupid. I called her now, just because, thanks to the power of facebook she saw that I was online. And I said to myself, if I don't call her now then I never will. Her little princess was about to sleep and wouldn't let her so we talked. We talked about how her delivery was, how the adjustment phase was going - and throughout it all a little part of my mind was screaming in pain and retaliation - wishing that I could relate to all of it, not just the delivery. We went on talk about this city that we once loved so much but now fear. We talked about husbands and a wise saying by Mr. Will Smith regarding marriage. In the end, I told her I loved her updates on facebook about how and what her little princess were doing and that it made me feel invovled in their lives. And after wondering if it was a bit corney she said to me, if it makes you happy then I definately will keep doing it. And I know that she thinking about Azlan and she knew that I was thinking of him too.

I think I'll get back to working - and fooling around with Photoshop and Ravensburger online puzzles. Maybe if a solve a puzzle my brain will solve itself.

March 20: 2009 - No where in that very haywire post did I mention how happy I am for this very close friend of mine, and how I wish I could squeeze her little girl to pieces and smother her with huggies and kishies! And that one day when I feel I can share this with her and she'll be able to take it, I'll tell her about this blog! :)

Crazy Dreams

Everyone shares all the good dreams that they have after losing a child - and I don't think I've ever read or heard about someone's bad dream. It could be because they're quickly forgotten or because people just don't want to share them. Either reason is very understandable. I want to say "Sadly I haven't had a happy dream, not even one" but for some reason I don't feel sad about not having a happy dream about Azlan. The reason for that, as well as I can understand, is what is a dream going to achieve? Its just a dream right? So it doesn't really make much of a difference.

But bad dreams, I've had PLENTY of. And I tend to have very realistic, very clear dreams. This past weekend, my dreams have caused me to do things in my sleep that are ridiculously painful!

One morning I get to work wondering why my arms are hurting so much. And in the back of my head I constantly have this feeling - I should know WHY they're hurting. I kept wondering, never realizing until I was about to fall asleep that night. I remembered - I had been dreaming "something" and in reality I ran on my hands and knees across the bed and LEAPED off - yes, you read that right - I leaped off the bed. I woke up when the footboard slammed into my shoulders (thank god it wasn't my neck or chin!) and my hands hit the floor. The pain was enough to wake me up - but I was sleeping so deeply that I only managed to get back on the bed and fall asleep at the footboard. I later woke up and tried to get to the top of the bed, only to manage nearly falling off the side. Ultimately I did make it back to the top. I later remembered a little bit of what I had been dreaming - I dreamt Azlan was falling down - just downwards and I was trying to catch him. I don't remember much more than that. Except that it was really dark.

The next night, while sleeping, I kicked myself upwards, hard enough to bang my head against the headboard. Loud enough to wake my husband up who's a really really deep sleeper (he didn't stir the least bit during my leaping adventure). I mumbled I was OK and went back to sleep.

What's going on?? I really have no idea. I'm wondering whether I should see a doc to start taking sleeping pills, though obviously sleeping is not the issue. Maybe I should tie myself up! :P

Epiphany

I just saw someone holding the child of one of the women I shared my pregnancies with. This someone has been married longer than I have and her husband and her have been trying to have a child for a long time.

What must she think? What must she feel? Holding a child, does she wonder if she'll ever have her own? Has she given up? Does she still have hope?

I don't have my baby boy with me, I won't hold him again. But at least I was blessed to have felt him kick, to hear him cry, and to see his beautiful face. To see that crazy hair that he took from his father, the flat nose that he took from me, and the perfect skin that was like a mixture of coffee and milk. At least I'll always have the memory of him moving inside me, making my tummy look so very alien.

For all of that, and everything more, I'll always love him - and consider myself lucky for having him.

Reactions

I never really took a moment to stop and think about how the experience that I've been through has effected and continues to effect those around me.

Warning: Depressing, morbid post ahead.

Reaction 1: Going back a few blogs, regarding the Nursery that we have at my office I discussed how difficult it was to be in that nursery. What's more difficult is to come to terms with the possibility that those who use the nursery now consider me to be overly sensitive about the issue and according to them, probably bitter about it - thus not providing them the services that they deserve. HMMMM. I wish I could send out a direct reminder that I remain to be and will continue to be a professional Human Resource Department team member and that making the workplace better for all employees is always my number one priority at the office. Any feelings I may have about the Nursery will remain at home!

Reaction 2: I was recently venting to my "Life Mentor" - my former boss about how difficult people were being about the office nursery and how it was hard enough to put away Azlan's stuff, and hard enough to deal with the nursery here, but even worse how people were reacting to it. She's soon to become a grand mother and went on to say how her son had been telling her about all the shopping they had been doing and the fear that entered her heart because you never know what could happen with these situations. And how all she could do was say a little prayer and hope that everything will be all right for them. My reply to her:

"I didn’t know my “ex” physio therapist was pregnant – and she asked me if I had any kids, so I told her what happened, because they automatically would assume I was carrying a small child that was stressing my shoulder….what I didn’t know was she was 4 months pregnant….i felt so horrible for telling her, but then SHE told me how she’s trying to mentally prepare herself for any outcome, because you really don’t know. And though I think its very unfair for any pregnant woman to think that way, it helps if the family around them, at least thinks once that things can go wrong – that way, GOD FORBID if they do, the family is strong enough for each other. Afterwards, you continue to wish, hope, pray, and look forward to a happy, very happy baby. Which INSHALLAH (God Willing) you all shall have :)"

Its the truth - before I wouldn't even think such a thought. But now, I've had to face reality and it makes me feel so guilty that I'm one of the reasons why she had such thoughts, and I hope they never have to face such a situation. However, God forbid, if they do I hope it brings them closer together as a family.

Reaction 3: One of my very closest friends, lives half way across the world. Her grandmother passed away a month after Azlan did and she came back to Pakistan. The first thing she said to her mother when they found out was "I get to see Sarah". And she came, and we talked - I showed her his pictures and for one very short week we entered a Twilight Zone, where nothing mattered except for hearing each other's pain and giving each other strength. She went back to her life and very shortly afterwards was very happily pregnant. She's due very shortly and we haven't talked once during her pregnancy. I tried calling her a few times and couldn't get through. She said she'd call and never did. And I keep thinking of calling her. But for some reason I'm afraid to talk to her - afraid that I'll be a reminder of what could go wrong. And I'm wondering whether she wants to talk to me or not.

I really don't know - and I hope me/we get over it so that I she can hear how excited I am for her.

Shattered

Every now and then your heart is forced to shatter all over again,

Like when you see the child of the women who you shared your pregnancy with
Like when you take the most beautiful picuture of your niece that could've been your son
Like when people behind you talk about their childs first smile, first steps, first words

And then you collect all those pieces and put your heart back togther all over again.