Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fried Brain

Sometimes, my thoughts and emotions pull me in so many different directions I really think that one day I'm going to explode into a thousand different pieces. Times like this I wonder, what could I possibly do to put myself together before that actually happens. Even at this point, I'm thinking should I write a post about exploding or should I write a post about putting myself together. But since I don't know how to do the latter, I'll head to the first post.

My thoughts are so entangled that I actually closed this window and opened it again. So lets, untangle these thoughts so that I actually may go on to have a productive day at the office:

I just talked to someone who is one of the closest people to me, a friend so close that everytime I talk to her I'm reminded how important she is to me. She spent 2 months with me before I got married, and I never attended her wedding. And she's never held that against me. Her grandmother died just a little bit after Azlan (That's the first time I've used 'died' and 'Azlan' in the same sentence - The impact of that is going to hit much later, I'm sure). The first thing she told her mom was that she was going to be able to see each other. We spent every minute possible together during the short week that she was here - both being very strong and independent women, we try not to show our weaknesses - and when saying good buy came THIS CLOSE to bawling, but didn't because we knew if we did, we'd never stop.

She had a baby girl a few weeks ago. I congratulated her on facebook. In all honesty I tried calling her during her pregnancy, only when I heard she was really stressed. I didn't/coudln't otherwise. Once she had her baby, I didn't call immidiately - couldn't. She's one of the people I was thinking about when writing "Reactions". I didn't know if she wanted to talk to me, though I now think that fear was quite stupid. I called her now, just because, thanks to the power of facebook she saw that I was online. And I said to myself, if I don't call her now then I never will. Her little princess was about to sleep and wouldn't let her so we talked. We talked about how her delivery was, how the adjustment phase was going - and throughout it all a little part of my mind was screaming in pain and retaliation - wishing that I could relate to all of it, not just the delivery. We went on talk about this city that we once loved so much but now fear. We talked about husbands and a wise saying by Mr. Will Smith regarding marriage. In the end, I told her I loved her updates on facebook about how and what her little princess were doing and that it made me feel invovled in their lives. And after wondering if it was a bit corney she said to me, if it makes you happy then I definately will keep doing it. And I know that she thinking about Azlan and she knew that I was thinking of him too.

I think I'll get back to working - and fooling around with Photoshop and Ravensburger online puzzles. Maybe if a solve a puzzle my brain will solve itself.

March 20: 2009 - No where in that very haywire post did I mention how happy I am for this very close friend of mine, and how I wish I could squeeze her little girl to pieces and smother her with huggies and kishies! And that one day when I feel I can share this with her and she'll be able to take it, I'll tell her about this blog! :)

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