Misaligned Career

Following a career or any kind of direction is a very difficult thing to do when a dream that you've constantly have been aiming for was right there in front of you and then taken away.

This is how I've felt since Azlan left us. For the longest time I was so close to leaving my job - financial and mental impact really didn't make a difference. Then we went on vacation and things settled down a bit. Came back, started working with a little of the passion that I used to have. Went downwards by way of motivation again, went on a religeous experience - came back up.

For a long long time I stayed up and now I've hit the down phase again. And being in Human Resources where its part of my job to ensure that motivation of the entire team stays up - and having MY personal motivation in the pits puts you in a very difficult situation. And the fact that the ups and downs come and go makes it very difficult to talk to anyone about it, including my boss who is a very open door kind of person. But its being defensive on my side, thinking - don't say anything now, you'll hit the up again. But its just so difficult!

Right now, all I want to do is quit work, sit at home, focus on various forms of art - spoil my self with music and color - in a aura which is soothing and beautiful - not one where every Tom, Dick, and Harry is coming to me to solve their problems.

But having to be logical about it, I guess I'll just sit tight for now - and continue to see what's to come.

Pets after Loss

I've always had pets. For as long as I can remember - birds, turtles, guinea pigs, ducks, chickens. The longest time I didn't have a pet for was right after I got married, and for about 2 months I felt a very empty quiet feeling. So then, I got Batman, a beautiful African Gray Parrot. But then I got pregnant, and Batman got too much to take care of so I gave him to my sister. After that, during the 9 months, never felt the need for a pet - I had "my little monkey" who's feet I could feel, who's elbows I could feel, who would constantly bug me if I turned the wrong way while watching TV.

Then I lost my little monkey. And for the longest time, nothing really mattered - until for some strange reason I started wanting a cat again. And one day, out've the blue, without any plan my hubby and I bought a siamese. Keeping in mind that I never wanted a simese and really wanted a persian, but Mr. Hubby wanted the siamese, I thought that eventually she would grow on me.

After the first 3 days, I decided - I wanted to get rid of her. She was just too much to deal with! So demanding! But Mr. Hubby said she'd grow on me. So I waited and slowly I started to be able to put up with her. Now I have to catsit my sister's Himalayan. Both of them are the same age and equally as demanding - again, I wanted to get rid of her but then thinking that perhaps combined they were too much to handle together I thought I'd be patient.

And then ONCE AGAIN I just wanted to get rid of her again. This time I blamed it on hygienic issues. And somewhere around that time we started talking about having a baby again - and then I think it hit me that as stupid or cliche as it may sound I wanted a cat because I had a lot of misplaced motherly feelings that needed to be dealt with. And very obviously though I might have felt it at the time, a cat was not going to solve the misplaced feelings.

So our cat is going to be finding a new home. And even though we'll make sure that it's a good one I feel that we've been unfair to her. She did help me get some thoughts into place, but she's also the one who's going to be facing the consequences of my impulse buying. So before you get a pet to make you feel better, think about what that animal is going to go through once you do.

Little Things

So a small conclusion I've reached - or rather been reminded of is that there are little things in life that makes you sometimes happy to be satisfied with. The stop and smell the roses concept. What reminded me of this? The most awesome colored tea I've ever had:



Around the same time I was in the car and coming home and saw atleast 20 to 25 flocks of migrating birds over the ocean. Unfortunately I couldn't stop to take a proper picture, but the two pics below give a pretty good idea of how beauiful this was - and i got to see the sunset which is not visible in these.

Music to Sooth and Heal

Yiruma -
River Flows in You
Moonlight
River Flows in You

The Death Certificate

I saw it for the first time yesterday. My bro and sis inlaw had been keeping it for us and my hubby finally asked for it. Even though she had told me she had it and that we could take it any time, the thought of actually asking her for it never crossed my mind even once. It was just a document, one that I never thought I’d own, one I never thought about that existed in our lives.

We went over for dinner yesterday and she gave it to me. And I saw the photo copy first then the original. It didn’t even say his name on it – it just said ‘b/o Sarah’. It didn’t even say my full name. Made it all feel very distance – insignificant. Until I thought about it later – that one line “Name” that said b/o Sarah said in 3 small word that my son was dead, would always be gone, and would never be with me.

That one piece of paper said so much. But now that I’ve finally seen it, its part of the circle, part of the steps that are meant to be “the full cycle”. I said recently to my husband that maybe I should go see his grave. I still haven’t and maybe that’s going to provide some kind of closure. He feels I still won’t be able to go through with that but after seeing the death certificate yesterday and seeing that it doesn’t make me feel so horrible – maybe I could go through with that.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Fooling Others

The month’s almost over – meaning the year’s almost over. I can’t wait for the year to end, not that I believe in all those New Year resolution crap, but still it would be nice for this year to end. It hasn’t been a very nice year.

So what happens when you reach a stage where people notice that you’re no longer laughing as much, and your smiles may be there but they’re the kind that are equivalent to an opera mask? I think that’s when you’ve reached a phase where you’re no longer fooling people to the extent that you thought you were.

By the time you’ve reached this stage you’re probably not giving your partner the attention or support that he needs. In fact, at this stage it may be likely that your partner doesn’t seem so important to you anymore.

New Years is Coming

The month’s almost over – meaning the year’s almost over. I can’t wait for the year to end, not that I believe in all those New Year resolution crap, but still it would be nice for this year to end. It hasn’t been a very nice year.

So what happens when you reach a stage where people notice that you’re no longer laughing as much, and your smiles may be there but they’re the kind that are equivalent to an opera mask? I think that’s when you’ve reached a phase where you’re no longer fooling people to the extent that you thought you were.

By the time you’ve reached this stage you’re probably not giving your partner the attention or support that he needs. In fact, at this stage it may be likely that your partner doesn’t seem so important to you anymore.

Friends, Pregnancies, and Babies

Friends, pregnancies, and babies. Probably one of the most difficult things to deal with when you’ve lost your own child. To see the happiness and glow on the faces of others, trying to be happy with them, not letting your own sorrow get in their way. But usually failing miserably – hopefully not in front of them but even worse, when you’re alone. Thinking back to a time when you had the same dreams and hopes that they are now carrying forward. Not even sure whether its “right” to share these thoughts with other friends who don’t have children or even your partner. Because sometimes these thoughts just feel so wrong, so evil, with so much guilt.
But in the end you’re only human.

You’ve been through the worse loss that someone can go through. You expect to lose your parents and eventually you know that one partner or another has to go. But your child, even before you feel the first heartbeat or the first kick – you’re supposed to see that child grow up, you’re supposed to worry about how that child will deal with losing you; not the other way around.

Thus you’re only human. I feel its perfectly alright to feel the bitterness and the anger. For a while it may be all you feel when you see others and their children. But its important to achieve some kind of acceptance. Acceptance that you will move on, acceptance that things will get easier. Acceptance that they will or already have gone through their own form of tests in life, and this is yours.

Its even harder to achieve any kind of acceptance if you and your partner are on different planes at this point, which will most likely be the case. But at the point where the hurt is still too fresh, its important that both of you have the space to feel what you need and to be able to deal with others’ children in your own way.

Azlan's Story

Azlan was one of those babies who just knew, the world is a lot better in his mama's tummy. He refused to come on time, up until over a week later when labor was finally induced. I am now one of those mothers that wishes I could have held him inside me forever - at the same time I know, that where he is now is unfanthomably better than anything that me or this world could have offered him.

He was born completey healthy - had a good Apgar Score. I passed our during the c-section - his first cry woke me, followed by the second, followed by the doctor telling me that he peed all over her - like I said, born as a healthy baby boy.

Shortly afterwards, he developed problems which caused blood to come out of his mouth. I learned all this much later, I hadn't held him and they put him inside a ventilator. A little later, his lungs collapsed and they put him on three different kinds of anitbiotics - but his little body would respond to any of them. He fought for 14 hours, and only 15 minutes after his heart started slowing down he grew his wings and become one of God's angels.

His blood tests came back a few days afterwards and we learned that he had Staphylococcus Lugdunensis - all the googling in the world still leaves this bacteria a hidden evil villian, one which I guess I'll never fully understand. All I know is that it attacked his immune system and caused his lungs to collapse - the combonitation of which left us all where we are now.



My beautiful little angel - you'll forever be in our hearts.