A City Meaner than New York

In a city that I think is meaner than New York (Even though I've never been there but lets face it, New York's reputations precedes it) I don't often expect to see any ounce of kindness from strangers. A few days back, I noticed that an ugly black dog had dug into the dirt in front of 'our house'(we actually rent a portion) and was just sitting there. I figured with the temperature at almost 100F she was probably trying to find a cool place to rest. The next day, I see two white rats next to her...hehehe, not quite rats...they were her puppies! They were so adorable. Honestly, they did look like rats and until you saw their face it was next to imposable to realize that they were actually dogs.

Never in my life had I seen such small dogs. I felt so bad for this dog...I wanted to feed her but was afraid that once her pups were grown up she'd start following me around. Imagine that! A stray dog following you on the streets, puppies or not, that's just freaky! So instead, on this day where the air itself seemed to be sizzling I gave her a bowl of water - and *gasp* even before I put it down she jumped up to get it...Scarry scarry!

Anyways later on in the day I saw that someone had put a big bowl of water down for the dog. I was in shock...(I tend to get in shock a lot I think...maybe I need to have a tag called "shock" for all the posts that say "I was in shock, I was in absolute shock :P)...but very happy.

The next day I came home, was pointing out the water bowls to a friend of mine and realized there was something white and slightly bloated on the grass...and that Ms. Doggy had dug deeper. Sadly, that little white bloated thing was a dead puppy :( I was so sad, its amazing how weak I've become now. Before I would have attributed it the whole circle of life concept but now, I just called Mr. Hubby up and was very upset. I should have known, something worse was coming.

The following day when I got home I saw a bunch of twigs and dead tree parts in Ms. Dog's hole. Turned out that someone on the streets chased the dog and her possibly alive last puppy and put thorns in her hole that took 3 days of effort so that she wouldn't come back.

The city didn't' disappoint me after all. Karachi is meaner than New York.

A Jumble of Thoughts

What an exhausting weekend this was. The only way I can justify to myself that it was okay to slip away again is because of two reasons: 1. I slipped away into myself but its not like I slipped away from the world. I continued to work, take care of the house, watched a movie, enjoyed time with the family, appreciated Mr. Hubby (a little late, but still, better late than never), and 2. A post written by Janice: http://keepingupwithangels.blogspot.com/2009/05/for-little-cubs-mama.html

The funny thing is, I only now noted what the title of this post is and I think it hit me now that Janice actually wrote this for me...I'm in shock and could burst into tears. I wanted to do that all weekend - just sit down and cry. I didn't because I felt like once I started I would never stop. The reason? That missing empty gap...the something is missing feeling...was so over powering...I just couldn't help from slipping deep into myself.

I think I'm out of it now...or maybe I'm not. Not quite sure yet. But either way I know that its ok to be where I am. The day I start pulling away from the world is the day I worry myself. But for now, I think I'm 'allowed' to slip into myself. Just because I feel like it.

Maybe today I'll go home, turn on the AC (its SO HOT in Karachi!) and make my 3000 piece puzzle. Usually that will calm down the frazzled nerves in my brain.

HMMMMM....that sounds like a plan :)

Hospitals

In Karachi, there are a few very well known hospitals. South City, Aga Khan and Ziauddin. South City is what a lot of people would call the snob hospital...very pricey very luxorious. The kind that the corporate yuppies go too. Aga Khan is the most well fitted hospital with the latest research and equipment but lacks the personal touch. Zaiuddin is somewhere in between and though not always aparent is considered a pretty decent place.

When one of the directors at my company found out I went to Ziauddin I got hell from him because it wasn't "the best" place to go. I tried telling him how a coworker of ours went there, an ex-employee went there, and my sister in law as well. I still continued to get hell.

Today over a year later I found out that the coworker of mine, who's daughter is just three months older than Azlan would've been got twice as much hell from this director after he found out what happened with Azlan. He GAVE it to her - kept telling her that she shouldn't have gone, that I shoudln't have gone. That it was all because of the hospital.

Over a year later I'm still learning how people reacted. This coworker of mine told me this today at lunch. Never once did we talk about what happened though we had shared every detail of our pregnancies we couldn't talk about this.

Another Child Gone to Heaven

CAIRO (AFP) – The 12-year-old grandson of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has died, the official MENA news agency reported on Tuesday.

Mohammed Mubarak, son of President Mubarak's eldest son Alaa, "died (Monday) after health complications suffered during the last two days," MENA said, without elaborating.

The 12-year-old boy had been taken to Paris for treatment. First Lady Suzanne Mubarak on Monday cancelled a trip to London to be with her grandson, Al-Shorooq newspaper said.

Mohammed's funeral was to take place in Cairo later on Tuesday.

12 years old. I want to say "Poor Kid", but he's already somewhere better. My heart goes out to the family.

Lost

Just a little lost today.

Keep drifting off into day dreams. About how old he would be now...if he'd be talking, walking, crawling...what his smile would look like, how is laugh would sound.

Just a little lost today.

Can't concentrate. I'm supposed to be hunting for a job. I'm supposed to be writing a policy. I'm supposed to be writing on all the things I know about.

But I'm just a little lost today.

Another Dream

I had a dream where I was unwell so Mr. Hubby and me went to the doc. And the they did a whole battery of tests...weird ones...ones they would never do in real life for pregnancy like balance tests, and stress tests, and other tests I no longer remember.

In the end of the dream the doctor says to me

I'm so sorry to hear about the son you lost. But I'm very happy to tell you you're going to have a daughter. And a son. You're going to have twins.

Forget the fact that they could tell that when I must've "been" 6 weeks pregnant...In my dream I was so very happy. And then I rolled over and for a split second realized I was dreaming and instanteoously went back to sleep. But I couldn't return to that blisful dream. Instead in my dream I started crying and crying because I knew it wasn't true. And then I woke up again for a split second and thought, yay..here comes another post...and then went back to sleep and continued crying.

Surprisingly when I woke up I woke up compeltely fresh. Usually I'd wake up tired and exhausted - this time around, nothing.

Perspective

I've lost my job. Wow that sounds dramatic and that's not quite the truth either. But the point being, I have to now find a job and this was completely unplanned for. It sprang up as a surprised. Well at least to me it did, though to Mr. Hubby my guess was "He saw it coming".

More difficult than this, or equally as difficult is since I'm in HR, I had the lovely job of doing the first round of lay offs followed by a second. Lay offs is also a dramatic term, but regardless of how you put it thats what it actually is. I actually sent notice periods to friends...which is one reason why I once again remind myself its not a good idea to make FRIENDS in the work place. Acquentences yes. But not FRIENDS. Fortunately or not, these people were my friends before we started working together. Don't we all know that sometimes you can't avoid a bad situation no matter how hard you try.

But today...I guess it really hit me. Get your butt moving and find a job. Your salary pays the rent. And as usual I slowly started to stress about it. After which came this email from Mr. Hubby:

I don’t think u should worry too much about ur job… one… we have money saved to survive… two… we’ve been thru worse.. this is just a bump on the road in life… not a scar… when we’ve already had scars what harm can bumps do huh?

Like I said...Perspective

The Physical Ups and Downs

I sometimes just want to scream to the world:

ITS NOT FAIR
It just isn't.

What's not fair? Vanity. Or rather, the miserable lows a woman hits due to vanity.

I'm generally not a vain person. Hell, I'm HORRIBLE when it comes to facials, manicures, pedicures, eyebrows, etc etc etc. In fact, I hardly if ever do any of those. But weight? Well, weight is something that bothers me. I've never been very fat or very thin. I've fluctuated and every time my weight's gone up I've worked out, ate right to bring it back to a decent number again. Its not the number craze for me either, its big stomach and fat arms and fat thighs that bother me.

I knew that things wouldn't be the same after being pregnant. I knew that the body would regain SOME of it shape but not all...by far. But what I wasn't ready for was the constant fluctuation due the stress eating that I've begun doing. I always loved food, but in general I maintained a healthy lifestyle. But after Azlan, depression phases would be rewarded with donuts, coke, popcorn, coffee...anything and everything junky.

The past few weeks, after dealing with his would be first birthday, my first experience with carrying out layoffs as an HR Manager, and the potential closing down of my company, I ate so much I actually don't fit into my old clothes anymore! The ones that I worked so hard to get back into! And I realized this morning when I got STUCK in one of my shirts. I could've burst into tears. And I was in such a foul foul mood. I could've killed someone.

But I got over it, thanks to continuous support form Mr. Hubby. Haven't been feeling so well lately so I haven't been working out the way I should. I know I'm going to go through another difficult week at work. I expect myself to expand more before I get my brain back into shape to get my body back into shape.

But I will. Because I can.

Mothers Day

I woke up in a good mood...slept surprisingly well this entire weekend. That's a rare treat. But I started getting snappy with just an odd vibe and energy all around me. And then I remembered, it was mothers day. Initally I was like whatever, doesn't matter...but the FIRST mothers day memories from last year hit me - mothers day came around ONE WEEK after Azlan grew his wings. It was everyone, radio, internet, TV. And I just wanted to bawl the entire day last year. Until my niece, 1 year old, came along and gave me a 'Mothers Day Gift'. Which made me want to bawl some more but somehow made everything a little bit ok.

This Mother's Day, my mom was down with bronchitus, my mom-in-law was down with a fractured foot. We got flowers for both of them and my heart started breaking all over again. I wondered if anyone would remember to get me anything and ofcourse they didn't. That is, until Mr. Hubby randomly said to me during grocery shopping that he wanted to buy me something and that I better tell me what I want before the end of the month or I'll be sorry with whatever he gets for me. At that point, I knew that he remembered.

I'm so thankful that I have someone who's sensitve enough not to rub mothers day in my face but at the same time not forget it for me entirely either.

Happy Birthday Angel

So its happened. Its come and gone and I feel like we or at least me are back at square one all over again. Well, not quite square one, maybe square 1.5 but either way they're not too far apart.

We received so much support, wanted and unwanted. From family and friends alike. The support we received from friends who are in completely different area's of the world was just phenomenal. It makes me feel very loved, perhaps a little unthankful, yet very very sad.

I never realized how complicated this entire event would be. And I now understand why so many angel mom's seem to go through this cycle of recovery and crashing. For one entire year you force yourself up and up and up...and then the day comes and its his or her 'Would Be Birthday' and then 'Death Anniversary'. The second one was so much harder for me. Up until the time he was born I kept remembering the different parts of my 22 hour long labor process...or rather kept remembering whatever I remember because a lot of it is a blur. It funny, I don't remember the pain. I remember a little agony but more excitement. Though I'm sure Mr. Hubby wouldn't agree to that - but all in all, I remembered those 22 hours. At night, I remembered him and all that night and until the next morning for the first time the actual amount of time that he was with us, in THIS world hit me. Sometimes it seemed like such a long time and sometimes it seemed like such a short time. I never fully understood the value of 14 hours until this weekend. I know i didn't sleep much the night of the 2nd when they induced labor. I know I didn't sleep much the night of the 3rd when I found out he wasn't well. I remembered like a crystal clear ball how my Brother in law told me to sleep so I could be a good mother the next morning. And that if I didn't sleep I wouldn't be able to take care of Azlan they way he deserves. For a millisecond I blamed him for telling me to sleep, but then the actuality of the situation hit me once again.

On the third I went to his grave for the first time. My God, how can anyone ever prepare themselves to go to their child's grave. The first thing that struck me was how many tiny little graves there in the grave yard. Or maybe my eyes were just drawn to them. I stood there while Mr. Hubby watered the grass and cleaned the headstone. I stood there while Mr. Hubby almost broke down and started crying. At that point I told him I wanted to leave and on my way out from the grave yards the tears came and I couldn't see. But we made it back into the car without making a scene or any major incident. I didn't want ot make a scene. Mr. Hubby had already prepared me and I was prepared not to make a scene.

That evening the entire family came over. For the longest time I didn't want anyone to come. I didn't want to see anyone and try to have them console me. But for once it seems that everyone did everything right. No one said anything directly. No one laughed excessively. Just sat around. If nothing else, it forced Mr. Hubby and me to at least smile at our niece and spoil her a little bit. That night we ordered in. I didn't cook the entire weekend and those who know me know that's a little rare. That night we watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I don't know if we weren't in the frame of mind to watch such a movie, but really I don't get what all the hype was about. I really hated that movie.

The 4th was so much harder. Mr. Hubby woke up before me and I woke up shortly afterwards. I stayed in bed for the longest time. Just didn't want to get up and face the day. Finally managed to get out've bed. What did we do all day? I played on www.addictinggames.com and he was on his computer. All day, that's all we did. I know we stopped to have a small lunch at some time but that was pretty much it. And we watched a stupid movie - Bride Wars. I don't know why. In the evening a friend stopped by and again initially we didn't want to see her but I'm so happy she came by. This was followed by a visit by Mr. Hubby's recently widowed aunt. That went so badly. There's only so long one can make age an excuse. She left and we had more friends come over. They took us out for ice cream. These were the same people who were with me from the moment Azlan grew his wings and helped Mr. Hubby with the funeral arrangements. One of the very few people who saw actually met him, who actually have photo's with him, who actually took photo's OF him. Of all the visits we got in these two days, that meant the most to me.

That night, I recieved an sms from another unwanted Aunt. Really, if people odn't know what to say they really shouldn't say anything at all.

Tuesday - back to work. Like I said, back to square 1.5. Nothings the same. Nothing ever will be.