Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Happy Birthday Angel

So its happened. Its come and gone and I feel like we or at least me are back at square one all over again. Well, not quite square one, maybe square 1.5 but either way they're not too far apart.

We received so much support, wanted and unwanted. From family and friends alike. The support we received from friends who are in completely different area's of the world was just phenomenal. It makes me feel very loved, perhaps a little unthankful, yet very very sad.

I never realized how complicated this entire event would be. And I now understand why so many angel mom's seem to go through this cycle of recovery and crashing. For one entire year you force yourself up and up and up...and then the day comes and its his or her 'Would Be Birthday' and then 'Death Anniversary'. The second one was so much harder for me. Up until the time he was born I kept remembering the different parts of my 22 hour long labor process...or rather kept remembering whatever I remember because a lot of it is a blur. It funny, I don't remember the pain. I remember a little agony but more excitement. Though I'm sure Mr. Hubby wouldn't agree to that - but all in all, I remembered those 22 hours. At night, I remembered him and all that night and until the next morning for the first time the actual amount of time that he was with us, in THIS world hit me. Sometimes it seemed like such a long time and sometimes it seemed like such a short time. I never fully understood the value of 14 hours until this weekend. I know i didn't sleep much the night of the 2nd when they induced labor. I know I didn't sleep much the night of the 3rd when I found out he wasn't well. I remembered like a crystal clear ball how my Brother in law told me to sleep so I could be a good mother the next morning. And that if I didn't sleep I wouldn't be able to take care of Azlan they way he deserves. For a millisecond I blamed him for telling me to sleep, but then the actuality of the situation hit me once again.

On the third I went to his grave for the first time. My God, how can anyone ever prepare themselves to go to their child's grave. The first thing that struck me was how many tiny little graves there in the grave yard. Or maybe my eyes were just drawn to them. I stood there while Mr. Hubby watered the grass and cleaned the headstone. I stood there while Mr. Hubby almost broke down and started crying. At that point I told him I wanted to leave and on my way out from the grave yards the tears came and I couldn't see. But we made it back into the car without making a scene or any major incident. I didn't want ot make a scene. Mr. Hubby had already prepared me and I was prepared not to make a scene.

That evening the entire family came over. For the longest time I didn't want anyone to come. I didn't want to see anyone and try to have them console me. But for once it seems that everyone did everything right. No one said anything directly. No one laughed excessively. Just sat around. If nothing else, it forced Mr. Hubby and me to at least smile at our niece and spoil her a little bit. That night we ordered in. I didn't cook the entire weekend and those who know me know that's a little rare. That night we watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I don't know if we weren't in the frame of mind to watch such a movie, but really I don't get what all the hype was about. I really hated that movie.

The 4th was so much harder. Mr. Hubby woke up before me and I woke up shortly afterwards. I stayed in bed for the longest time. Just didn't want to get up and face the day. Finally managed to get out've bed. What did we do all day? I played on and he was on his computer. All day, that's all we did. I know we stopped to have a small lunch at some time but that was pretty much it. And we watched a stupid movie - Bride Wars. I don't know why. In the evening a friend stopped by and again initially we didn't want to see her but I'm so happy she came by. This was followed by a visit by Mr. Hubby's recently widowed aunt. That went so badly. There's only so long one can make age an excuse. She left and we had more friends come over. They took us out for ice cream. These were the same people who were with me from the moment Azlan grew his wings and helped Mr. Hubby with the funeral arrangements. One of the very few people who saw actually met him, who actually have photo's with him, who actually took photo's OF him. Of all the visits we got in these two days, that meant the most to me.

That night, I recieved an sms from another unwanted Aunt. Really, if people odn't know what to say they really shouldn't say anything at all.

Tuesday - back to work. Like I said, back to square 1.5. Nothings the same. Nothing ever will be.

1 comment:

  1. I hope today is a better day for you. And I know that is all I can really say. You are in my prayers.