I Don't Like the Numbers Anymore

I now know why I wasn't counting down outloud...if you do that, that one single number just starts flashing through your brain and in front of your eyes, no matter what you're doing.

Its been a while since I looked at Azlan's pictures and felt like I was hit by a hammer right in the center of my chest. I have his picture on my cell phone. I look at it everyday. Its one of the first things I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night as I set my alarm. I was just turning off the mp3 player on my phone and I saw his picture and it just knocked the wind out've me.

I'm becoming more and more short tempered and more and more two faced. On the outside, I'm smiling for everyone. On the inside...on the inside I've become a big black hole.

5 Days Left

First Half of the Day:

I don't think anyone, even the parents themselves realize how hard the first would be birthday is.

Second Half of the Day:

Comments on how other people's motherly instincts are in place or are not hurt so much because mine were in place, still are, but I'm just not able to let them out the way I deserve too. For nine months, I prepared myself for being the best mother in the world. I went through a c-section and post pregnancy 'trauma' (I will openly use that word for the time being) and yet, the glow of the entire affair, my child, is not here.

I see how other mothers are glowing now, after having their baby to hold, nourish, and cuddle with. And I look at my face. When did I get so old?

6 Days Left

I think this week will be all about doing completely uncharacteristic things...like staying home alone, watching almost 5 epiusodes of gossip girl and eating a Big Mac meal all alone knowing there's tons of food in the fridge.

I watched gossip girl until my head hurt...went to bed, read The Witch of Portabello until I couldn't keep my eyes open and slept before Mr. Hubby came home from a night with the boys. I think I must've dreamt and cried all night because when I woke up my sinuses were stuffed, my head was heavy, and my eyes look like I had been punched - twice - in each eye.

The day, well I've been fluctuating from hyper to downer to melodramtic. I feel like haven't slept in days and that by the end of the week I will completely lose it. I guess a small thing to be thankful for is that it's only a four day week.

Stupid Things People Say

Stupid Things People Say About Azlan's Upcoming Would-Be Birthday:

- Maybe you could try not to remember the date
- Well, if you're in a bad mood then...
- Girl, you need to exercise!
[Look says, you're getting fat!]
- Lets do Lunch/Dinner on Saturday!
[Clearly they have no idea what this weekend is]

7 Days Left

The week before his would be first birthday has begun. I already feel it, the draining of energy out of every single atom in my body. I expect myself to be eating many donuts and gaining a few pounds this week but so be it.

In the past 10 mintues I've decided that every year the focus will be his "Would be X Birthday"...not "Will be his X 'death anniversary'". What is a 'Death Anniverary' anyways - anniversary's are happy supposed to be happy things so I've decided that there should be no such thing as a 'Death Anniversary'. But then agian, that's easier to say when the two are so close together. I can't speak for others now can I?

I just asked my boss for a day off this coming monday. At the same time I was thinking if I'm going to be recognizing Azlan's Birthday only then why do I need Monday off and the answer to that is simple. Because I want to. Unfortuanly my boss being the cartoon character that he is played out a whole could-have-been hillareous scenairo pretneding he woudln't give me the day off. But when I finally said 'It would have been Azlan's first birthday' he almost started crying. I feel worse for him at this moment then I do for myself.

First half of the first day of the week. I wonder what the rest of the week will bring.

Finally Started Counting Outloud

9 days left until his 'would be' first birthday
10 days left until the dreaded day

Powerful Life

Recent conversation with the Head of Admin (HoA) at my company:

Scenario: I received a phone call from an employee who missed a flight and rather than waste time giving him the number of HoA I went across the hall and give HoA my cell phone. I wandered away and came back when they were done talking.

HoA: [looking down at my phone, quietly says]: Is this the picture of your son?
Me: Yes it is
HoA: [looking uncomfortable but concerned/curious]: Why do you keep it on you?
Me: Well you see the thing is...do you want an HONEST answer?
HoA: Yes
Me [choking back tears, and trying very hard to appear and sound normal]: He gives me strength. He gives me a lot of strength. Especially weeks like last week, I continuously look at his picture to give me strength.
HoA [hands back phone]: Ok.

Background: After Azlan passed away, I got visitors from my office. A lot of them came and surprisingly a lot of them cancelled team dinner(s) because they just didn't feel like going after hearing about Azlan. Our director called me after almost a month and said to me he couldn't call earlier because he didn't know what to say. Our MD, my direct boss, didn't call until almost 2 weeks after that. He started by going on about how he didn't know what to say and he felt bad for all the jokes that we used to make. He would regularly make fun of what kind of person Azlan would grow up to be - a philosopher, musician, activist. We can only dream of that now.

HoA, never came, never called, and even when I returned to work he never said a word about Azlan. He's one of the most trusted people at the company but one of the most quiet. He's one of the few people I didn't hold anything against. The first time he mentioned Azlan was more than 11 months after Azlan got his angel wings. It makes me realize once again what a powerful life he was in his short time on this earth.

I am still blown away.

Reminder to Self

Reminder to Self:

Whenever you get unbelievable angry or short tempered with Mr. Hubby:

- Remember how he spent 22 hours watching you in labor when you're not able to deal with putting aftershave on cut spots
- Remember how he held you every night that you cried your heart out when he would go and cry all alone
- Remmeber how he pushed both of you to go on vacation after Azlan and comforted you when you were wrapped up in your world of misery
- Remmeber how he pushed you to once again be successful for your job when he was going through tough times at his
- Remember how he supported all your insane hobbies that goes more insane after Azlan when he lost his love of playing music
- Remmber how he watched three chick flicks on women's day when he'd much rather be watching the cricket match
- Remember how he helps you in the kitchen when he'd rather rest after a long day at work
- Remember how he constantly tells you to spoil yourself when he doesn't spoil himself at all

Remember how things are just as they were in the beginning, only deeper, stronger and more real than ever before.

The First "Could we be?"

This weekend brought on one of the most agonizing questions of COULD WE BE PREGNANT? I was obviously late by a couple weeks but work has been excessively difficult due to a number of layoffs that we were doing. I realized more than ever before how complicated women are and how even though we're so extremely complicated in "normal" situations how we become even more complicated when under stress!

So I took the home pregnancy test and it came out negative. But still, I wasn't sure, I wasn't comfortable so I finally went in for the blood test. I tried not to think about it and failed miserably which obviously stressed me out even more than before. No matter what I did in the back of my mind I would be thinking "What if we are?" "What if we're not?" I didn't want to accept either answer because one opened the doors of disappointment and one opened the doors of fear.

We did a bunch of errands before picking up the results...I think subconsciously we were putting it off as much as possible. Mr. Hubby went to get the results while I waited in the car after doing a small errand. He comes back, sits down and says "Here we go again?" and after an initial goofy smile on my face I said "What?" and the fear kicked in like a hammer pounding my stomach. I looked at the test completely confused because a part of me didn't want to believe what he had just said and as I stared at the numbers I just said "I'm really confused". Turned out we were wrong and rather than reading "0.0100" he read "100". So we weren't. And I got a sense of relief - no sense of disappointment at that time anyways.

We went on our way, we had a crabbing trip planned out that day and the entire way there I had tears rolling down my tears. Luckily and surprisingly they were only on the left side of my face so he had no idea and by the time we got there it was dark and no body knew. And why those tears? Not because I was disappointed but because I missed Azlan so much more than ever before. And i could remember how things were so very different when we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby and how excited we were the entire time. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that our lives and his would turn out this way.

I later asked Mr. Hubby what he was thinking on the way back to the car when he thought we were and later on when he realized we weren't. It always amazes me how 'detached' he can make himself be. He hadn't been thinking about "What if we are/What if we're not" and though the walk back to the car was agonizing for him he was relieved once he realized we weren't.

I suppose one can summarize all this as "Fundamental differences between Men and Women."

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Note to self:

Hold up, Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile, Shine on
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cause all of the stars
Have faded away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them someday
Take what you need
And be on your way and
Stop crying your heart out

Get up, Come on
Why you scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

- Oasis

The Dedication

My hubby and I are avid listeners to CityFM89 - a local radio station in Karachi. Especially on our drive to work, listening to the Breakfast Show with Mr. Khalid just makes the ride to work a little bit nicer, a little bit funnier, and sometimes a little bit more controversial.

This morning, we were listening to a dedication. The following is what I heard and what I thought:

Heard: "My wife and I love listening to your show while on our way to work"
Thought (And Said): Hehe, how funny they do the same thing we do.

Heard: "Could you please play Sting's 'Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot"
Thought: Yay! Sting, one of my favorites

Heard: "For my lovely & beautiful wife..."
Thought: I'm sure she's sitting next to her husband and typing this SMS out herself, just for kicks!

Heard: "...Sarah"
Thought: Damn, how many coincidences can there by?!

Heard: "Cheers - Sallu"
Thought: WOW! He even has the same nickname...WAIT A MINUTE....

At which time, I turned around to my hubby and just let my mouth fall open...and he simply says you've never heard this song, and he turned the volume up.

As you can see, I can be quite slow in the morning. I really, even up to HIS name, thought it was just a bunch of coincidences. When it finally hit me, I actually had tears in my eyes.

When someone does something that meaningful, things finally start looking up - even if just a little bit. This is what the entire dedication was:

"Hey Khalid. Watsup man! My wife and I really enjoy your water cooler Q's on our drive to work. It's interesting to see what people have to say. Would love it if you could play "Let your soul be your pilot" by Sting for my lovely and beautiful wife, Sarah who I love and treasure so very dearly. Cheers - Sallu"