Monday, April 13, 2009

The First "Could we be?"

This weekend brought on one of the most agonizing questions of COULD WE BE PREGNANT? I was obviously late by a couple weeks but work has been excessively difficult due to a number of layoffs that we were doing. I realized more than ever before how complicated women are and how even though we're so extremely complicated in "normal" situations how we become even more complicated when under stress!

So I took the home pregnancy test and it came out negative. But still, I wasn't sure, I wasn't comfortable so I finally went in for the blood test. I tried not to think about it and failed miserably which obviously stressed me out even more than before. No matter what I did in the back of my mind I would be thinking "What if we are?" "What if we're not?" I didn't want to accept either answer because one opened the doors of disappointment and one opened the doors of fear.

We did a bunch of errands before picking up the results...I think subconsciously we were putting it off as much as possible. Mr. Hubby went to get the results while I waited in the car after doing a small errand. He comes back, sits down and says "Here we go again?" and after an initial goofy smile on my face I said "What?" and the fear kicked in like a hammer pounding my stomach. I looked at the test completely confused because a part of me didn't want to believe what he had just said and as I stared at the numbers I just said "I'm really confused". Turned out we were wrong and rather than reading "0.0100" he read "100". So we weren't. And I got a sense of relief - no sense of disappointment at that time anyways.

We went on our way, we had a crabbing trip planned out that day and the entire way there I had tears rolling down my tears. Luckily and surprisingly they were only on the left side of my face so he had no idea and by the time we got there it was dark and no body knew. And why those tears? Not because I was disappointed but because I missed Azlan so much more than ever before. And i could remember how things were so very different when we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby and how excited we were the entire time. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that our lives and his would turn out this way.

I later asked Mr. Hubby what he was thinking on the way back to the car when he thought we were and later on when he realized we weren't. It always amazes me how 'detached' he can make himself be. He hadn't been thinking about "What if we are/What if we're not" and though the walk back to the car was agonizing for him he was relieved once he realized we weren't.

I suppose one can summarize all this as "Fundamental differences between Men and Women."

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