Yes Man (Woman)

Jim Carrey's movie, Yes Man is based on a true story. I didn't know this untill I accidentally read the article in TV Guide. On my way to work I was thinking how would that be? Just say Yes to everything without thinking twice.

For someone who overthinks everything, this is extremely hard to do. So I tried it today...for a lunch invitation by some coworkers. I have maybe ONCE gone out for lunch with people form work...being in HR makes it hard to socialize.

It was awesome. I must try saying yes again.

Lost Puzzle Pieces

Ever get that incredible sinking feeling when you feel like nothing will ever fit together quite right again? I've been feeling that way lately and the more i try to fight it, the more it eats away at me from inside. Feeling this way and acting upon it makes everything in life in haywire, from family to friends to work.

Its funny, lately i've been getting a lot of satisfaction from working. I've been working on a project for UNDP involving a citizens report card survey for a government agency (sounds a lot more glamouress than it really is) and free lancing for a chinese agency that is teaching english. I was never the kind of person who made work their first priority, family was always the most important and i'm a little worried that there two categories may switch places.

All there thoughts arise when it feels like things are completely out of whack. I really need to get myself back on track. At least i realize that.

Forgotten Meals

I love to cook. OK, let me rephrase that, I love to cook when the weather in Karachi is not hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Below are a couple of meals/breakfasts that really were special! I just kept forgetting to actually put them up here. I think, I'm actually one of those people that live for food! Horrible in trying to lose weight, but really make you happy! Mr. Hubby calls me the bottomless pit! :P


Chili Cheese and Mushroom Stuffed Omelet with Spanish Marmalade Jam and Orange Carrot Juice. This marmalade is simply the best I've ever had!


I made these tortillas at home using a tortilla maker. The first couple exploded inside the maker! But the rest were lovely and chewy! You can see a good detail of filling here, including chicken, cheese, jalapenos, and corn.

Contradicting Healing

I think my taste in music is extremely out of sync with it self. Two
songs i feel that provide a great deal of healing and strength are, :
Linkin Parks 'New Divide' and Evenecene: 'My immortal'. They're two
such different songs but the melody in New Divide has this amazing
power and strength to it and My Immortal . Well that kind of speaks
for itself.

A long while back i realised that when i couldn't sleep listening to
some extremely loud music would put me to sleep. Maybe thats why New
Divide speaks to me now. I highly suggest that you listen to it.

Desensitization

I was recently having a conversation with someone at the office, J. She had recently found a box of very young puppies that had been left in the sun by a person that obviously had no heart. The sun shines in Karachi 10 months of the year and it SHINES. These poor puppies actually were sun burnt. J tried to save all of them but sadly 2 died and 1 survived. She was telling me how initially she was going to leave them but realized how desensitized we as a society have become. When you regularly read headlines of people being killed, suicide bombs going off, 3 puppies left all alone don't seem all that much.

This morning as Mr. Hubby and I were leaving for the office, we found a little kitten lying on our drive way. The first thing I said to him was: "Don't call it, she'll come to you for lovin" At this point I'm thinking, we're already running late and the last thing we need is a clingy kitten. Keep in mind that Mr. Hubby and I are cat lovers. I tried shooing her away but she wouldn't move. I moved closer and realized that her hind leg had been mauled and she couldn't stand up. She apparently had been lying there for some time because I saw BIG ANTS crawling all over her back legs. At this point Mr. Hubby said to me "Don't look at it too much." He knows that I tend to have extremely vivid dreams and something like this would set off my crazy dreaming phase.

So I stood in front of the kitten so he could take the car out without accidental crushing her. In the car, I started remembering my conversation with J and thinking back to all those times I rescued hurt kittens and birds. Most of the time, with my mom's help I would be able to get these animals back on their feet. I felt so guilty. How could I leave that innocent little kitten to most likely die before we got home? I told Mr. Hubby and his response was "I feel guilty too, but neither you nor me have the time to take her to the vet. That's our reasoning". Reasoning. We reasoned with ourselves to make desensitization acceptable.

I'm embarrassed to say, that at one point I hoped something would just take the kitten away. Put it out of her misery and not make us feel guilty anymore. I feel like a very bad person today. I think that kitten was left on our doorstep to make me feel this. I've been turning away from lost or hurt animals because I don't think I would be able to take one dying on me. Perhaps its time I realize I can't runaway from the death of other living things anymore.

Dream

Extremely Vivid Dream:

-----------------------

Mr. Hubby and I were at a graveyard. In the dream, it was the same one where his grave is. But in the dream, it was a HUGE graveyard. Mr. Hubby was walking in front of me and he managed to get so far ahead I had to drive in the graveyard to catch up with him (note that I really don't like to drive, i can barely drive as it is).

So I finally get near him and he's still far away walking along the edge of this huge hill. The grave yard is extremely dry and dusty. I'm then inside a cave in the graveyard and there's water leaking in side. The water is leaking in such a way that all the bones of the buried have come out. Except that one, they're not completely decomposed and two, they're exactly in the position that they passed away in. I'm walking around this hill and there 7, 8 bones of tiny babies surrounding the hill. Along with 2 children hugging each other. In my dream I try not to look at those 'bodies' but its too late, I already had.

All of a sudden I'm inside a blue swimming pool. Crystal clear, cool water. I can breath under the water. And I know under me are buried a number of more children and a male figure - the 'care taker' of these children. And all of a sudden these children push through the earth and the tiles of pool and I'm surrounded by children swimming around me 5 or 6 of them. And they're laughing and smiling, and bobbing up and down in the water. And one of them, a girl I believe, says to me "But we're so happy! We like it here. We're so happy!"

-----------------------

This dream disturbed me for a very long time that day...I only told Mr. Hubby about it that night because I could no longer focus on what he was saying to me. Only when I told him did I start to believe that this dream was meant to be a happy one. What I suppose I will wonder the rest of my life is, was it put together in my subconscious from all the experiences I've had or was it sent to me with a purpose...

Welcome 30's!

Finally hit the big three oh. For all the cliche feelings that hit
caused a good deal of depression, sleepless nights and a great deal of
pondering. Many different thoughts of the effect of age and fertility
crossed my mind and i kept making myself feel better by saying at
least i've had one baby before i turned 30.

Besides the fact that many woman now start their child bearing after 30, i still feel odd and too old. My mother had me in her early 20's and my sister in her
early 30's. At the time i thought 'Oh my god, she's so old'. Guess i'm there now, except that though i've had one child i don't have anyone that i'm mothering. In my head i'm already too old. I guess we'll have to see how i feel if and when i get pregnant.

For now, this post gets a special "30 something" tag, and we/I will
get to use that for the next 10 years. Also, this is my first testing
of blogging on the go and we'll see how that goes as well.

Here's to 30 something!

I wonder...

I can't figure out if this blog has served its purpose or if I've just become to busy to write.

36 hours of no electricity after 7 inches of rain in one night. Life's been interesting...we drove by a car that was FLOATING in the water...don't know how we weren't floating by that point.

Work has been so busy I hardly have time to breath. The house is upside down because of water from the rain, lack of water from no electricity, and lack of attention on my part thanks to work. Life feels like its being flipped upside down and right side up over and over again. Its all become so mumble jumbled. In a way that's good because I've become so very busy I hardly have time to breath...but just yesterday I said to my dad "I think I've taken on more than I can handle"...but I wanted this..I did. EXCEPT that the art exhibition is on hold...just for now. I'll do it, definately, as soon as life returns to normal....

What a random post!

Good Bye

Something is very wrong.

I haven't been able to write in a while even though everyday I feel like I have something to write. I just finished writing a post and it dissapeared into the black hole of bad internet connections. Really Sucks. Maybe its some kind of sign.

Its been a really tough week. I sent my mom off to her sister's - one of the less favored people in my personal books. I then sent one of my closests friends off to Canada permanently. Her little S and Azlan were, in her own words, tied together in one package...and now half that package is missing. I couldn't even hold little S for the longest time, probably until she was 4 months old, because it hurt so damn much. But once I got over it, holding her was always like holding a piece of Azlan. We even found out about little S while the four of us (actually 6) were having Crepe's one night and Daddy O said to Mr. Hubby "We thought that you baby boy could use some company while we jam". At the time, Daddy O and Mr. Hubby were in a band together that also no longer exists.

Daddy O and Mommy N are gone now. Knowing that thye'll have a much more exiting life makes everything a little easier but damn, I already miss them so much. Its like a little piece of everything is missing again. As a going away gift I gave them the four prints below. They can put them up anywhere...can't wait to see what they do with it.

The Numbness

Janice mentioned how the pain changes drastically after the one year mark passes. If before it felt like continuous unlimitless sharp blows to your body after one year it feels like a steamroller went over your soul - a little less sharp and a lot deeper. The pain doesn't disrupt my life in a day to day basis, its there...and his memories always flash themselves in my head but as much as I hate to type this even, its a TINY TINY bit easier.

The person I am is now changing forever...where last year, the time flew by in a tornado of sorrow and pain I think this year will be a little more calm. If last year was the storm, this year will be the calm after the storm.

To all of you out there, please know that even though you don't want them to, things get a little easier. In now way will you forget your little angels...why would you want to? Its just the pain becomes so accepted by your soul it doesn't seem so alien anymore. Your entire journey becomes a part of you.

Another piece almost ready for for my art show:


ZizZag
(Still has some 'cleaning up to do)

Its Been a While

Its been a while since I've last put up a post. Often, with all the other angel baby blogs people stop writing when things are going good. To be honest, I still don't know if I fall in that category or not. Part of me says that my brain voice has just gone numb...quiet for now. Its a bit scarry because it reminds me of how my temper just simmers and simmers until one day it explodes! I hope my thoughts don't explode, that wouldn't be very nice on my migraines.

Truth is, yesterday was the last day I got a "salary". As one of my older posts about not having a job explains here, this was my own doing. However, I do fall into the category of people who have been hit very hard by this 'global economic downturn' which everyone is seeing. It bothers me that I'm in this position. I'd probably be considered very careless if it didn't, but even through pillow talk with Mr. Hubby yesterday I still couldn't put my finger on why. Then this morning, it hit me while I was working on my 3000 piece puzzle...I always wanted to work at home. I always wanted to work from home so that I could take care of my babie's'. And now I have part of that dream, just not the main part.

Someone recently wrote to me in a long chain of very touching emails:

All the friends i know who did take the journey said 'if i'm going to endure all this pain then goddammit some good had better come out of it'. and focused their energy on achieving a dream. in no case was it about money tho for some money was a byproduct.

I'm 'working' on many things right now, two of which are freelancing and putting on an art exhibition. The art exhibition - that's always been one of my many 'quirky talents'. So I decided, to keep myself motivated and going, I'm going to put up samples of what I've done here....

Most of these are inspired by some other art form...usually textile - it could be a tapestry or quilt. Most of these infact are quilts. The first one two I've already given away as gifts.

Here they are:


Morocco Evening


Sunburst

Shitstorm

I read the word Shitstorm on someones comment on one of the blogs that I follow and I'm thinking to myself, hey! that suits my weekend perfectly. Its been nothing but a continuous shitstorm for me.

Start with Hubby's bday and wow, did I try hard to make it 'Just right'. And believe me when I say that making it 'Just Right' for someone who doesn't want to celebrate their birthday is A LOT harder than making it right for someone who does. Everything has to be barely enough without making it seem like things were forgotten. Should have known, that a shitstorm would blow through and screw everything up...down to the point that the perfect dinner that I made is currently in the freezer and still uneaten.

Second shitstorm was kind of a silent one. Don't know where it came from or why or how...but it sure as hell did come. In fact, I didn't even realize I was in the middle of a shitstorm until the end of the day. Thus, Saturday went by in a silent yet furious manner. It was also supported by a 'Tiff' that I had with my mom. I've never in my life used the word 'Tiff' but according to my brother that's what mom and I had. We're still trying to recover...but I tell you, I've become so impatient, so detached, that I think it might be harder for her than me...except that it did bring on a migraine, but then again what can you expect with a three day Shitstorm?

Sunday is now almost over. Started with a full blown shitstorm that actually began on Friday. Sigh...did I ever just want to explode and show the entire world what kind of shitstorm I could bring. But I'm working on being a more calm person. And contradictory as it may seem, I think this excessive calmness just might backfire, but we'll just have to see. Anyway, I came home and slept for 10-15 minutes, just to give my brain a rest from the unending shitstorm.

I'm tired. Glad all I have to do is unfreeze food tonight, and not really cook.

Things That Upset So Much You Don't Want to Talk About Them

I used to be a teacher about 5 years ago. The school I taught in had separate classes for boys and girls and believe me when I say the girls were far more difficult to deal with than the boys.

Today while shopping I ran into two of them who reconized me. After the usual loud clucking like hens one of them said to me, "What happened? You've gotten so fat!" What I wanted to say was "Well yeah, you tend to gain weight when you have kids, and yeah my son passed away, so I've been doing a lot of stress eating. What I said was "Gee, Thanks" and just smiled.

This happened during a shopping trip that I went on with my mom and sister. On our way out, my sister pointed out to a book, "The Encylopedia of Dragons". The first itme I saw that book was about three months after Azlan grew his wings, and it broke my heart because that was exactly the kind of book I would have read to him. Once again, I just smiled.

Today was the kind of day I just didn't want to talk about.

A City Meaner than New York

In a city that I think is meaner than New York (Even though I've never been there but lets face it, New York's reputations precedes it) I don't often expect to see any ounce of kindness from strangers. A few days back, I noticed that an ugly black dog had dug into the dirt in front of 'our house'(we actually rent a portion) and was just sitting there. I figured with the temperature at almost 100F she was probably trying to find a cool place to rest. The next day, I see two white rats next to her...hehehe, not quite rats...they were her puppies! They were so adorable. Honestly, they did look like rats and until you saw their face it was next to imposable to realize that they were actually dogs.

Never in my life had I seen such small dogs. I felt so bad for this dog...I wanted to feed her but was afraid that once her pups were grown up she'd start following me around. Imagine that! A stray dog following you on the streets, puppies or not, that's just freaky! So instead, on this day where the air itself seemed to be sizzling I gave her a bowl of water - and *gasp* even before I put it down she jumped up to get it...Scarry scarry!

Anyways later on in the day I saw that someone had put a big bowl of water down for the dog. I was in shock...(I tend to get in shock a lot I think...maybe I need to have a tag called "shock" for all the posts that say "I was in shock, I was in absolute shock :P)...but very happy.

The next day I came home, was pointing out the water bowls to a friend of mine and realized there was something white and slightly bloated on the grass...and that Ms. Doggy had dug deeper. Sadly, that little white bloated thing was a dead puppy :( I was so sad, its amazing how weak I've become now. Before I would have attributed it the whole circle of life concept but now, I just called Mr. Hubby up and was very upset. I should have known, something worse was coming.

The following day when I got home I saw a bunch of twigs and dead tree parts in Ms. Dog's hole. Turned out that someone on the streets chased the dog and her possibly alive last puppy and put thorns in her hole that took 3 days of effort so that she wouldn't come back.

The city didn't' disappoint me after all. Karachi is meaner than New York.

A Jumble of Thoughts

What an exhausting weekend this was. The only way I can justify to myself that it was okay to slip away again is because of two reasons: 1. I slipped away into myself but its not like I slipped away from the world. I continued to work, take care of the house, watched a movie, enjoyed time with the family, appreciated Mr. Hubby (a little late, but still, better late than never), and 2. A post written by Janice: http://keepingupwithangels.blogspot.com/2009/05/for-little-cubs-mama.html

The funny thing is, I only now noted what the title of this post is and I think it hit me now that Janice actually wrote this for me...I'm in shock and could burst into tears. I wanted to do that all weekend - just sit down and cry. I didn't because I felt like once I started I would never stop. The reason? That missing empty gap...the something is missing feeling...was so over powering...I just couldn't help from slipping deep into myself.

I think I'm out of it now...or maybe I'm not. Not quite sure yet. But either way I know that its ok to be where I am. The day I start pulling away from the world is the day I worry myself. But for now, I think I'm 'allowed' to slip into myself. Just because I feel like it.

Maybe today I'll go home, turn on the AC (its SO HOT in Karachi!) and make my 3000 piece puzzle. Usually that will calm down the frazzled nerves in my brain.

HMMMMM....that sounds like a plan :)

Hospitals

In Karachi, there are a few very well known hospitals. South City, Aga Khan and Ziauddin. South City is what a lot of people would call the snob hospital...very pricey very luxorious. The kind that the corporate yuppies go too. Aga Khan is the most well fitted hospital with the latest research and equipment but lacks the personal touch. Zaiuddin is somewhere in between and though not always aparent is considered a pretty decent place.

When one of the directors at my company found out I went to Ziauddin I got hell from him because it wasn't "the best" place to go. I tried telling him how a coworker of ours went there, an ex-employee went there, and my sister in law as well. I still continued to get hell.

Today over a year later I found out that the coworker of mine, who's daughter is just three months older than Azlan would've been got twice as much hell from this director after he found out what happened with Azlan. He GAVE it to her - kept telling her that she shouldn't have gone, that I shoudln't have gone. That it was all because of the hospital.

Over a year later I'm still learning how people reacted. This coworker of mine told me this today at lunch. Never once did we talk about what happened though we had shared every detail of our pregnancies we couldn't talk about this.

Another Child Gone to Heaven

CAIRO (AFP) – The 12-year-old grandson of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has died, the official MENA news agency reported on Tuesday.

Mohammed Mubarak, son of President Mubarak's eldest son Alaa, "died (Monday) after health complications suffered during the last two days," MENA said, without elaborating.

The 12-year-old boy had been taken to Paris for treatment. First Lady Suzanne Mubarak on Monday cancelled a trip to London to be with her grandson, Al-Shorooq newspaper said.

Mohammed's funeral was to take place in Cairo later on Tuesday.

12 years old. I want to say "Poor Kid", but he's already somewhere better. My heart goes out to the family.

Lost

Just a little lost today.

Keep drifting off into day dreams. About how old he would be now...if he'd be talking, walking, crawling...what his smile would look like, how is laugh would sound.

Just a little lost today.

Can't concentrate. I'm supposed to be hunting for a job. I'm supposed to be writing a policy. I'm supposed to be writing on all the things I know about.

But I'm just a little lost today.

Another Dream

I had a dream where I was unwell so Mr. Hubby and me went to the doc. And the they did a whole battery of tests...weird ones...ones they would never do in real life for pregnancy like balance tests, and stress tests, and other tests I no longer remember.

In the end of the dream the doctor says to me

I'm so sorry to hear about the son you lost. But I'm very happy to tell you you're going to have a daughter. And a son. You're going to have twins.

Forget the fact that they could tell that when I must've "been" 6 weeks pregnant...In my dream I was so very happy. And then I rolled over and for a split second realized I was dreaming and instanteoously went back to sleep. But I couldn't return to that blisful dream. Instead in my dream I started crying and crying because I knew it wasn't true. And then I woke up again for a split second and thought, yay..here comes another post...and then went back to sleep and continued crying.

Surprisingly when I woke up I woke up compeltely fresh. Usually I'd wake up tired and exhausted - this time around, nothing.

Perspective

I've lost my job. Wow that sounds dramatic and that's not quite the truth either. But the point being, I have to now find a job and this was completely unplanned for. It sprang up as a surprised. Well at least to me it did, though to Mr. Hubby my guess was "He saw it coming".

More difficult than this, or equally as difficult is since I'm in HR, I had the lovely job of doing the first round of lay offs followed by a second. Lay offs is also a dramatic term, but regardless of how you put it thats what it actually is. I actually sent notice periods to friends...which is one reason why I once again remind myself its not a good idea to make FRIENDS in the work place. Acquentences yes. But not FRIENDS. Fortunately or not, these people were my friends before we started working together. Don't we all know that sometimes you can't avoid a bad situation no matter how hard you try.

But today...I guess it really hit me. Get your butt moving and find a job. Your salary pays the rent. And as usual I slowly started to stress about it. After which came this email from Mr. Hubby:

I don’t think u should worry too much about ur job… one… we have money saved to survive… two… we’ve been thru worse.. this is just a bump on the road in life… not a scar… when we’ve already had scars what harm can bumps do huh?

Like I said...Perspective

The Physical Ups and Downs

I sometimes just want to scream to the world:

ITS NOT FAIR
It just isn't.

What's not fair? Vanity. Or rather, the miserable lows a woman hits due to vanity.

I'm generally not a vain person. Hell, I'm HORRIBLE when it comes to facials, manicures, pedicures, eyebrows, etc etc etc. In fact, I hardly if ever do any of those. But weight? Well, weight is something that bothers me. I've never been very fat or very thin. I've fluctuated and every time my weight's gone up I've worked out, ate right to bring it back to a decent number again. Its not the number craze for me either, its big stomach and fat arms and fat thighs that bother me.

I knew that things wouldn't be the same after being pregnant. I knew that the body would regain SOME of it shape but not all...by far. But what I wasn't ready for was the constant fluctuation due the stress eating that I've begun doing. I always loved food, but in general I maintained a healthy lifestyle. But after Azlan, depression phases would be rewarded with donuts, coke, popcorn, coffee...anything and everything junky.

The past few weeks, after dealing with his would be first birthday, my first experience with carrying out layoffs as an HR Manager, and the potential closing down of my company, I ate so much I actually don't fit into my old clothes anymore! The ones that I worked so hard to get back into! And I realized this morning when I got STUCK in one of my shirts. I could've burst into tears. And I was in such a foul foul mood. I could've killed someone.

But I got over it, thanks to continuous support form Mr. Hubby. Haven't been feeling so well lately so I haven't been working out the way I should. I know I'm going to go through another difficult week at work. I expect myself to expand more before I get my brain back into shape to get my body back into shape.

But I will. Because I can.

Mothers Day

I woke up in a good mood...slept surprisingly well this entire weekend. That's a rare treat. But I started getting snappy with just an odd vibe and energy all around me. And then I remembered, it was mothers day. Initally I was like whatever, doesn't matter...but the FIRST mothers day memories from last year hit me - mothers day came around ONE WEEK after Azlan grew his wings. It was everyone, radio, internet, TV. And I just wanted to bawl the entire day last year. Until my niece, 1 year old, came along and gave me a 'Mothers Day Gift'. Which made me want to bawl some more but somehow made everything a little bit ok.

This Mother's Day, my mom was down with bronchitus, my mom-in-law was down with a fractured foot. We got flowers for both of them and my heart started breaking all over again. I wondered if anyone would remember to get me anything and ofcourse they didn't. That is, until Mr. Hubby randomly said to me during grocery shopping that he wanted to buy me something and that I better tell me what I want before the end of the month or I'll be sorry with whatever he gets for me. At that point, I knew that he remembered.

I'm so thankful that I have someone who's sensitve enough not to rub mothers day in my face but at the same time not forget it for me entirely either.

Happy Birthday Angel

So its happened. Its come and gone and I feel like we or at least me are back at square one all over again. Well, not quite square one, maybe square 1.5 but either way they're not too far apart.

We received so much support, wanted and unwanted. From family and friends alike. The support we received from friends who are in completely different area's of the world was just phenomenal. It makes me feel very loved, perhaps a little unthankful, yet very very sad.

I never realized how complicated this entire event would be. And I now understand why so many angel mom's seem to go through this cycle of recovery and crashing. For one entire year you force yourself up and up and up...and then the day comes and its his or her 'Would Be Birthday' and then 'Death Anniversary'. The second one was so much harder for me. Up until the time he was born I kept remembering the different parts of my 22 hour long labor process...or rather kept remembering whatever I remember because a lot of it is a blur. It funny, I don't remember the pain. I remember a little agony but more excitement. Though I'm sure Mr. Hubby wouldn't agree to that - but all in all, I remembered those 22 hours. At night, I remembered him and all that night and until the next morning for the first time the actual amount of time that he was with us, in THIS world hit me. Sometimes it seemed like such a long time and sometimes it seemed like such a short time. I never fully understood the value of 14 hours until this weekend. I know i didn't sleep much the night of the 2nd when they induced labor. I know I didn't sleep much the night of the 3rd when I found out he wasn't well. I remembered like a crystal clear ball how my Brother in law told me to sleep so I could be a good mother the next morning. And that if I didn't sleep I wouldn't be able to take care of Azlan they way he deserves. For a millisecond I blamed him for telling me to sleep, but then the actuality of the situation hit me once again.

On the third I went to his grave for the first time. My God, how can anyone ever prepare themselves to go to their child's grave. The first thing that struck me was how many tiny little graves there in the grave yard. Or maybe my eyes were just drawn to them. I stood there while Mr. Hubby watered the grass and cleaned the headstone. I stood there while Mr. Hubby almost broke down and started crying. At that point I told him I wanted to leave and on my way out from the grave yards the tears came and I couldn't see. But we made it back into the car without making a scene or any major incident. I didn't want ot make a scene. Mr. Hubby had already prepared me and I was prepared not to make a scene.

That evening the entire family came over. For the longest time I didn't want anyone to come. I didn't want to see anyone and try to have them console me. But for once it seems that everyone did everything right. No one said anything directly. No one laughed excessively. Just sat around. If nothing else, it forced Mr. Hubby and me to at least smile at our niece and spoil her a little bit. That night we ordered in. I didn't cook the entire weekend and those who know me know that's a little rare. That night we watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I don't know if we weren't in the frame of mind to watch such a movie, but really I don't get what all the hype was about. I really hated that movie.

The 4th was so much harder. Mr. Hubby woke up before me and I woke up shortly afterwards. I stayed in bed for the longest time. Just didn't want to get up and face the day. Finally managed to get out've bed. What did we do all day? I played on www.addictinggames.com and he was on his computer. All day, that's all we did. I know we stopped to have a small lunch at some time but that was pretty much it. And we watched a stupid movie - Bride Wars. I don't know why. In the evening a friend stopped by and again initially we didn't want to see her but I'm so happy she came by. This was followed by a visit by Mr. Hubby's recently widowed aunt. That went so badly. There's only so long one can make age an excuse. She left and we had more friends come over. They took us out for ice cream. These were the same people who were with me from the moment Azlan grew his wings and helped Mr. Hubby with the funeral arrangements. One of the very few people who saw actually met him, who actually have photo's with him, who actually took photo's OF him. Of all the visits we got in these two days, that meant the most to me.

That night, I recieved an sms from another unwanted Aunt. Really, if people odn't know what to say they really shouldn't say anything at all.

Tuesday - back to work. Like I said, back to square 1.5. Nothings the same. Nothing ever will be.

I Don't Like the Numbers Anymore

I now know why I wasn't counting down outloud...if you do that, that one single number just starts flashing through your brain and in front of your eyes, no matter what you're doing.

Its been a while since I looked at Azlan's pictures and felt like I was hit by a hammer right in the center of my chest. I have his picture on my cell phone. I look at it everyday. Its one of the first things I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night as I set my alarm. I was just turning off the mp3 player on my phone and I saw his picture and it just knocked the wind out've me.

I'm becoming more and more short tempered and more and more two faced. On the outside, I'm smiling for everyone. On the inside...on the inside I've become a big black hole.

5 Days Left

First Half of the Day:

I don't think anyone, even the parents themselves realize how hard the first would be birthday is.

Second Half of the Day:

Comments on how other people's motherly instincts are in place or are not hurt so much because mine were in place, still are, but I'm just not able to let them out the way I deserve too. For nine months, I prepared myself for being the best mother in the world. I went through a c-section and post pregnancy 'trauma' (I will openly use that word for the time being) and yet, the glow of the entire affair, my child, is not here.

I see how other mothers are glowing now, after having their baby to hold, nourish, and cuddle with. And I look at my face. When did I get so old?

6 Days Left

I think this week will be all about doing completely uncharacteristic things...like staying home alone, watching almost 5 epiusodes of gossip girl and eating a Big Mac meal all alone knowing there's tons of food in the fridge.

I watched gossip girl until my head hurt...went to bed, read The Witch of Portabello until I couldn't keep my eyes open and slept before Mr. Hubby came home from a night with the boys. I think I must've dreamt and cried all night because when I woke up my sinuses were stuffed, my head was heavy, and my eyes look like I had been punched - twice - in each eye.

The day, well I've been fluctuating from hyper to downer to melodramtic. I feel like haven't slept in days and that by the end of the week I will completely lose it. I guess a small thing to be thankful for is that it's only a four day week.

Stupid Things People Say

Stupid Things People Say About Azlan's Upcoming Would-Be Birthday:

- Maybe you could try not to remember the date
- Well, if you're in a bad mood then...
- Girl, you need to exercise!
[Look says, you're getting fat!]
- Lets do Lunch/Dinner on Saturday!
[Clearly they have no idea what this weekend is]

7 Days Left

The week before his would be first birthday has begun. I already feel it, the draining of energy out of every single atom in my body. I expect myself to be eating many donuts and gaining a few pounds this week but so be it.

In the past 10 mintues I've decided that every year the focus will be his "Would be X Birthday"...not "Will be his X 'death anniversary'". What is a 'Death Anniverary' anyways - anniversary's are happy supposed to be happy things so I've decided that there should be no such thing as a 'Death Anniversary'. But then agian, that's easier to say when the two are so close together. I can't speak for others now can I?

I just asked my boss for a day off this coming monday. At the same time I was thinking if I'm going to be recognizing Azlan's Birthday only then why do I need Monday off and the answer to that is simple. Because I want to. Unfortuanly my boss being the cartoon character that he is played out a whole could-have-been hillareous scenairo pretneding he woudln't give me the day off. But when I finally said 'It would have been Azlan's first birthday' he almost started crying. I feel worse for him at this moment then I do for myself.

First half of the first day of the week. I wonder what the rest of the week will bring.

Finally Started Counting Outloud

9 days left until his 'would be' first birthday
10 days left until the dreaded day

Powerful Life

Recent conversation with the Head of Admin (HoA) at my company:

Scenario: I received a phone call from an employee who missed a flight and rather than waste time giving him the number of HoA I went across the hall and give HoA my cell phone. I wandered away and came back when they were done talking.

HoA: [looking down at my phone, quietly says]: Is this the picture of your son?
Me: Yes it is
HoA: [looking uncomfortable but concerned/curious]: Why do you keep it on you?
Me: Well you see the thing is...do you want an HONEST answer?
HoA: Yes
Me [choking back tears, and trying very hard to appear and sound normal]: He gives me strength. He gives me a lot of strength. Especially weeks like last week, I continuously look at his picture to give me strength.
HoA [hands back phone]: Ok.

Background: After Azlan passed away, I got visitors from my office. A lot of them came and surprisingly a lot of them cancelled team dinner(s) because they just didn't feel like going after hearing about Azlan. Our director called me after almost a month and said to me he couldn't call earlier because he didn't know what to say. Our MD, my direct boss, didn't call until almost 2 weeks after that. He started by going on about how he didn't know what to say and he felt bad for all the jokes that we used to make. He would regularly make fun of what kind of person Azlan would grow up to be - a philosopher, musician, activist. We can only dream of that now.

HoA, never came, never called, and even when I returned to work he never said a word about Azlan. He's one of the most trusted people at the company but one of the most quiet. He's one of the few people I didn't hold anything against. The first time he mentioned Azlan was more than 11 months after Azlan got his angel wings. It makes me realize once again what a powerful life he was in his short time on this earth.

I am still blown away.

Reminder to Self

Reminder to Self:

Whenever you get unbelievable angry or short tempered with Mr. Hubby:

- Remember how he spent 22 hours watching you in labor when you're not able to deal with putting aftershave on cut spots
- Remember how he held you every night that you cried your heart out when he would go and cry all alone
- Remmeber how he pushed both of you to go on vacation after Azlan and comforted you when you were wrapped up in your world of misery
- Remmeber how he pushed you to once again be successful for your job when he was going through tough times at his
- Remember how he supported all your insane hobbies that goes more insane after Azlan when he lost his love of playing music
- Remmber how he watched three chick flicks on women's day when he'd much rather be watching the cricket match
- Remember how he helps you in the kitchen when he'd rather rest after a long day at work
- Remember how he constantly tells you to spoil yourself when he doesn't spoil himself at all

Remember how things are just as they were in the beginning, only deeper, stronger and more real than ever before.

The First "Could we be?"

This weekend brought on one of the most agonizing questions of COULD WE BE PREGNANT? I was obviously late by a couple weeks but work has been excessively difficult due to a number of layoffs that we were doing. I realized more than ever before how complicated women are and how even though we're so extremely complicated in "normal" situations how we become even more complicated when under stress!

So I took the home pregnancy test and it came out negative. But still, I wasn't sure, I wasn't comfortable so I finally went in for the blood test. I tried not to think about it and failed miserably which obviously stressed me out even more than before. No matter what I did in the back of my mind I would be thinking "What if we are?" "What if we're not?" I didn't want to accept either answer because one opened the doors of disappointment and one opened the doors of fear.

We did a bunch of errands before picking up the results...I think subconsciously we were putting it off as much as possible. Mr. Hubby went to get the results while I waited in the car after doing a small errand. He comes back, sits down and says "Here we go again?" and after an initial goofy smile on my face I said "What?" and the fear kicked in like a hammer pounding my stomach. I looked at the test completely confused because a part of me didn't want to believe what he had just said and as I stared at the numbers I just said "I'm really confused". Turned out we were wrong and rather than reading "0.0100" he read "100". So we weren't. And I got a sense of relief - no sense of disappointment at that time anyways.

We went on our way, we had a crabbing trip planned out that day and the entire way there I had tears rolling down my tears. Luckily and surprisingly they were only on the left side of my face so he had no idea and by the time we got there it was dark and no body knew. And why those tears? Not because I was disappointed but because I missed Azlan so much more than ever before. And i could remember how things were so very different when we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby and how excited we were the entire time. Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that our lives and his would turn out this way.

I later asked Mr. Hubby what he was thinking on the way back to the car when he thought we were and later on when he realized we weren't. It always amazes me how 'detached' he can make himself be. He hadn't been thinking about "What if we are/What if we're not" and though the walk back to the car was agonizing for him he was relieved once he realized we weren't.

I suppose one can summarize all this as "Fundamental differences between Men and Women."

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Note to self:

Hold up, Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile, Shine on
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cause all of the stars
Have faded away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them someday
Take what you need
And be on your way and
Stop crying your heart out

Get up, Come on
Why you scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

- Oasis

The Dedication

My hubby and I are avid listeners to CityFM89 - a local radio station in Karachi. Especially on our drive to work, listening to the Breakfast Show with Mr. Khalid just makes the ride to work a little bit nicer, a little bit funnier, and sometimes a little bit more controversial.

This morning, we were listening to a dedication. The following is what I heard and what I thought:

Heard: "My wife and I love listening to your show while on our way to work"
Thought (And Said): Hehe, how funny they do the same thing we do.

Heard: "Could you please play Sting's 'Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot"
Thought: Yay! Sting, one of my favorites

Heard: "For my lovely & beautiful wife..."
Thought: I'm sure she's sitting next to her husband and typing this SMS out herself, just for kicks!

Heard: "...Sarah"
Thought: Damn, how many coincidences can there by?!

Heard: "Cheers - Sallu"
Thought: WOW! He even has the same nickname...WAIT A MINUTE....

At which time, I turned around to my hubby and just let my mouth fall open...and he simply says you've never heard this song, and he turned the volume up.

As you can see, I can be quite slow in the morning. I really, even up to HIS name, thought it was just a bunch of coincidences. When it finally hit me, I actually had tears in my eyes.

When someone does something that meaningful, things finally start looking up - even if just a little bit. This is what the entire dedication was:

"Hey Khalid. Watsup man! My wife and I really enjoy your water cooler Q's on our drive to work. It's interesting to see what people have to say. Would love it if you could play "Let your soul be your pilot" by Sting for my lovely and beautiful wife, Sarah who I love and treasure so very dearly. Cheers - Sallu"

Its Time to Move On - What's That?

Its funny, I've received this message repeatedly from people close to me this week. I've answered both of them with "God forbid you ever have to know what this feels like, but since you don't - stop telling me to move on". One of them (the He) eventually understood and the other (the She) - well I literally had to walk out on her because she just would not stop pretending to know what she was talking about!

What drove home for He was when I said, it hasn't even been ONE YEAR. At this moment in my life, I'm counting down to Azlan's first birthday and subsequently one year since he's become God's angel. I've already planned my leave for that day. And I've already wondered if those two days will pass by in a blur? And just how I will get over them. And these people are telling me to MOVE ON? He realized that it hasn't even been a year and that it seemed a lot longer to him. I appreciate that. Because even now, it seems like only yesterday I could feel Azlan's little bugger feet poking all around my belly. The She? I didn't even try with her - some people are hopeless.

I'm not ready to accelerate in life, not just yet. For now, I'm on cruise control, and I'm happy as possible with that. I have not pulled the hand breaks on life, and hopefully have no intention of doing it.

Can't Deal with Small Talk No More

Can't do it. Really. Tried. Desperately. Tried desperately only because I was at my inlaws and really didn't have a choice. So on one side of the table they were talking about "the first night of marriage" - a very scandalous topic since pre-marital sex is largely not part of the culture here but one that I really don't want to hear! And on the other side of the table they were talking about children and how its far better to have them back to back - and that's a topic I REALLY don't want to discuss...with anyone.

So for a while I kept looking from one side to the other, trying to act interested without catching anyone's eye, simply from fear of being forced into the conversation. I kept looking over to the other side of the lawn where Mr. Hubby was standing and clicking away on his new found passion of unlimited Internet on his cellphone and thus his new found addiction of facebooking. And I'm thinking to myself, I really just want to go stand with him and not deal with all this small talk crap.

What was the big deal? The fact that if I did, the usual gossip of "These two just hang out together", "These two are so antisocial", "These two are still so in love" - all said in taunting ways would begin. And after about 5 minutes of trying to be social, I just gave up. And we did act antisocial and we did act like we were still in love. And we really didn't care.

So I can't deal with small talk no more, and neither can he. We're in our little bubble because we're comfortable in it. Small talk doesn't mean much. It may to some people so that they can go and make fun of what others were saying later. But whats the point of going on and on knowing that neither you nor the other party is enjoying what you're saying? Once upon a time I could do it. But perspective on everything changes once your heart has been broken into a million pieces - useless things seem all that much more...useless. You no longer really feel like wasting your time for others. Well, at least I don't.

For now, I'm content that I can now share my new views of a very isolated life with at least one other person. And we're happy together.

Advice to those with Children

Before I begin writing this post, let me make it very clear that I often am extremely hesitant about giving people who have children any kind of advice. I'm thinking, they're probably thinking - who does she think she is? She doesn't have any kids of her own. But let me also say something else, I DID have a child, I DID do a great deal of reading and planning on what he was going to eat, and wear, and when he was going to go to school, when he would be eating his first solid foods, and the kinds of activities he would do at 3 months, and 6 months, and 9 months, and finally when he hit 1 year (which is coming up by the way). I also raised my kid sister like a daughter, so I'm not a complete bimbo thank you very much!

Advice #1: Careers are not as important as kids. You CAN get back into the job market and there ARE ways to work form home thanks to the wonderful world of the Internet. Maternity leave is NOT enough. And you WILL miss very precious moments of your little monster's life and you WILL regret it. So unless its a financial requirement, which realistically it just may be take some time off work. And if you can financially make ends meet by working at home DO IT. What're you doing to regret more? A years worth of professional experience or the first year of your child's growth?

*Please note, I have been in the HR field for nearly 5 years. I know what I'm talking about.

Advice #2: For those of you that complain you just don't have any free time anymore because your children take up too much of your time. STOP COMPLAINING! Yes, I probably have a lot more hours in a day than those of you who have children, but believe me, if your children were taken away from you, you would NOT be happy with the extra time on your hands. Instead of complaining - learn time management and teach your husbands and kids to respect your needs!

Advice #3:When you kid starts walking - don't let them get near dangerous things, like swinging doors and table corners just because you're too lazy to move off the sofa or move from your dinner. It IS your responsibility to watch over your child! Yes I know, accidents happen, but think back and think how many accidents YOU could have avoided by getting off your butt! Tell the same to your spouse!

Advice #4:Don't be lazy about your child's diet. Don't you realize what you're feeding your child now will effect how healthy he/she is in the future? Why must people stuff their child with potatoes and KFC?! If you already are feeding your child well, then awesome, please ignore this. If not, really - apples and boiled carrots along with other fruits and veggies will only do good. They won't jump out and bite you and your child. And again, if you don't have time? Stop being so lazy and get your priorities straight!

Absence makes the heart grow fond - yeah, it sure does - but it also makes you see the lack of appreciation in others!

Fried Brain

Sometimes, my thoughts and emotions pull me in so many different directions I really think that one day I'm going to explode into a thousand different pieces. Times like this I wonder, what could I possibly do to put myself together before that actually happens. Even at this point, I'm thinking should I write a post about exploding or should I write a post about putting myself together. But since I don't know how to do the latter, I'll head to the first post.

My thoughts are so entangled that I actually closed this window and opened it again. So lets, untangle these thoughts so that I actually may go on to have a productive day at the office:

I just talked to someone who is one of the closest people to me, a friend so close that everytime I talk to her I'm reminded how important she is to me. She spent 2 months with me before I got married, and I never attended her wedding. And she's never held that against me. Her grandmother died just a little bit after Azlan (That's the first time I've used 'died' and 'Azlan' in the same sentence - The impact of that is going to hit much later, I'm sure). The first thing she told her mom was that she was going to be able to see each other. We spent every minute possible together during the short week that she was here - both being very strong and independent women, we try not to show our weaknesses - and when saying good buy came THIS CLOSE to bawling, but didn't because we knew if we did, we'd never stop.

She had a baby girl a few weeks ago. I congratulated her on facebook. In all honesty I tried calling her during her pregnancy, only when I heard she was really stressed. I didn't/coudln't otherwise. Once she had her baby, I didn't call immidiately - couldn't. She's one of the people I was thinking about when writing "Reactions". I didn't know if she wanted to talk to me, though I now think that fear was quite stupid. I called her now, just because, thanks to the power of facebook she saw that I was online. And I said to myself, if I don't call her now then I never will. Her little princess was about to sleep and wouldn't let her so we talked. We talked about how her delivery was, how the adjustment phase was going - and throughout it all a little part of my mind was screaming in pain and retaliation - wishing that I could relate to all of it, not just the delivery. We went on talk about this city that we once loved so much but now fear. We talked about husbands and a wise saying by Mr. Will Smith regarding marriage. In the end, I told her I loved her updates on facebook about how and what her little princess were doing and that it made me feel invovled in their lives. And after wondering if it was a bit corney she said to me, if it makes you happy then I definately will keep doing it. And I know that she thinking about Azlan and she knew that I was thinking of him too.

I think I'll get back to working - and fooling around with Photoshop and Ravensburger online puzzles. Maybe if a solve a puzzle my brain will solve itself.

March 20: 2009 - No where in that very haywire post did I mention how happy I am for this very close friend of mine, and how I wish I could squeeze her little girl to pieces and smother her with huggies and kishies! And that one day when I feel I can share this with her and she'll be able to take it, I'll tell her about this blog! :)

Crazy Dreams

Everyone shares all the good dreams that they have after losing a child - and I don't think I've ever read or heard about someone's bad dream. It could be because they're quickly forgotten or because people just don't want to share them. Either reason is very understandable. I want to say "Sadly I haven't had a happy dream, not even one" but for some reason I don't feel sad about not having a happy dream about Azlan. The reason for that, as well as I can understand, is what is a dream going to achieve? Its just a dream right? So it doesn't really make much of a difference.

But bad dreams, I've had PLENTY of. And I tend to have very realistic, very clear dreams. This past weekend, my dreams have caused me to do things in my sleep that are ridiculously painful!

One morning I get to work wondering why my arms are hurting so much. And in the back of my head I constantly have this feeling - I should know WHY they're hurting. I kept wondering, never realizing until I was about to fall asleep that night. I remembered - I had been dreaming "something" and in reality I ran on my hands and knees across the bed and LEAPED off - yes, you read that right - I leaped off the bed. I woke up when the footboard slammed into my shoulders (thank god it wasn't my neck or chin!) and my hands hit the floor. The pain was enough to wake me up - but I was sleeping so deeply that I only managed to get back on the bed and fall asleep at the footboard. I later woke up and tried to get to the top of the bed, only to manage nearly falling off the side. Ultimately I did make it back to the top. I later remembered a little bit of what I had been dreaming - I dreamt Azlan was falling down - just downwards and I was trying to catch him. I don't remember much more than that. Except that it was really dark.

The next night, while sleeping, I kicked myself upwards, hard enough to bang my head against the headboard. Loud enough to wake my husband up who's a really really deep sleeper (he didn't stir the least bit during my leaping adventure). I mumbled I was OK and went back to sleep.

What's going on?? I really have no idea. I'm wondering whether I should see a doc to start taking sleeping pills, though obviously sleeping is not the issue. Maybe I should tie myself up! :P

Epiphany

I just saw someone holding the child of one of the women I shared my pregnancies with. This someone has been married longer than I have and her husband and her have been trying to have a child for a long time.

What must she think? What must she feel? Holding a child, does she wonder if she'll ever have her own? Has she given up? Does she still have hope?

I don't have my baby boy with me, I won't hold him again. But at least I was blessed to have felt him kick, to hear him cry, and to see his beautiful face. To see that crazy hair that he took from his father, the flat nose that he took from me, and the perfect skin that was like a mixture of coffee and milk. At least I'll always have the memory of him moving inside me, making my tummy look so very alien.

For all of that, and everything more, I'll always love him - and consider myself lucky for having him.

Reactions

I never really took a moment to stop and think about how the experience that I've been through has effected and continues to effect those around me.

Warning: Depressing, morbid post ahead.

Reaction 1: Going back a few blogs, regarding the Nursery that we have at my office I discussed how difficult it was to be in that nursery. What's more difficult is to come to terms with the possibility that those who use the nursery now consider me to be overly sensitive about the issue and according to them, probably bitter about it - thus not providing them the services that they deserve. HMMMM. I wish I could send out a direct reminder that I remain to be and will continue to be a professional Human Resource Department team member and that making the workplace better for all employees is always my number one priority at the office. Any feelings I may have about the Nursery will remain at home!

Reaction 2: I was recently venting to my "Life Mentor" - my former boss about how difficult people were being about the office nursery and how it was hard enough to put away Azlan's stuff, and hard enough to deal with the nursery here, but even worse how people were reacting to it. She's soon to become a grand mother and went on to say how her son had been telling her about all the shopping they had been doing and the fear that entered her heart because you never know what could happen with these situations. And how all she could do was say a little prayer and hope that everything will be all right for them. My reply to her:

"I didn’t know my “ex” physio therapist was pregnant – and she asked me if I had any kids, so I told her what happened, because they automatically would assume I was carrying a small child that was stressing my shoulder….what I didn’t know was she was 4 months pregnant….i felt so horrible for telling her, but then SHE told me how she’s trying to mentally prepare herself for any outcome, because you really don’t know. And though I think its very unfair for any pregnant woman to think that way, it helps if the family around them, at least thinks once that things can go wrong – that way, GOD FORBID if they do, the family is strong enough for each other. Afterwards, you continue to wish, hope, pray, and look forward to a happy, very happy baby. Which INSHALLAH (God Willing) you all shall have :)"

Its the truth - before I wouldn't even think such a thought. But now, I've had to face reality and it makes me feel so guilty that I'm one of the reasons why she had such thoughts, and I hope they never have to face such a situation. However, God forbid, if they do I hope it brings them closer together as a family.

Reaction 3: One of my very closest friends, lives half way across the world. Her grandmother passed away a month after Azlan did and she came back to Pakistan. The first thing she said to her mother when they found out was "I get to see Sarah". And she came, and we talked - I showed her his pictures and for one very short week we entered a Twilight Zone, where nothing mattered except for hearing each other's pain and giving each other strength. She went back to her life and very shortly afterwards was very happily pregnant. She's due very shortly and we haven't talked once during her pregnancy. I tried calling her a few times and couldn't get through. She said she'd call and never did. And I keep thinking of calling her. But for some reason I'm afraid to talk to her - afraid that I'll be a reminder of what could go wrong. And I'm wondering whether she wants to talk to me or not.

I really don't know - and I hope me/we get over it so that I she can hear how excited I am for her.

Shattered

Every now and then your heart is forced to shatter all over again,

Like when you see the child of the women who you shared your pregnancy with
Like when you take the most beautiful picuture of your niece that could've been your son
Like when people behind you talk about their childs first smile, first steps, first words

And then you collect all those pieces and put your heart back togther all over again.

Small Gestures of Kindness

In my office I am unfortunate/fortunate enough to sit RIGHT under the AC which blasts cold air right onto my desk. Considering we live in a city with TEN months of summer it may be a blessing, but as someone once said to me, hot cities usually have excellent air conditioning my office gets really COLD! I'm one of those rare people that keep a shawl on me in JULY just because it gets so damn cold!

All that said, its a constant struggle with my coworkers - they constantly switch the AC on (with rightful reasons) and I constantly switch it off. Back and forth back and forth. We've all reached a silent understanding: They turn it on when I'm away and I turn it off as soon as I come back. Its a win-win situation. EXCEPT for in the morning when I also feel hot so I prefer having the AC on.

The dilemma for this time of day exists in the fact that since the AC blows directly onto my desk, my much needed morning cup of coffee or tea goes cold in TWO MINUTES FLAT! And everyone knows how precious that steaming hot cup of coffee or tea is to wake you up, clear your brains, and prepare you for that difficult day ahead. But when that AC decides to cool it down...its not much fun anymore.

So recently, right after I had turned the AC off I was telling a coworker of mine (Mr. X) who also gets blasted directly from the AC about how quickly my coffee cools down. Little did I know, another coworker (Mr. Y) who loves to have the AC on was listening as well. Today, I came in quite early and so had Mr. Y. I started drinking my cup of coffee (with the AC off of course). At one point, Mr. Y asked me - Sarah, are you done with your coffee? And I asked him, yes almost - why? Are you asking because you'd like to turn the AC on? And he says yes I would. I was blown away! He actually was considerate enough not to turn the AC on so MY coffee wouldn't go cold. And I hadn't even told him about the cold coffee dilemma, I had told Mr. X!

Even now, as I type this out I think how people have generally lost the ability to be kind and considerate for others. And I'm not talking about chivalry here. I'm just talking about putting the need of others before your own - just sometimes. We've become a generally selfish species and would be so much better off if we took care of our own kind.

So hats off to Mr. Y - I wish more people had your ability to be more considerate to the needs of others!

Weapons of Mass Hair-Do's

The last 3 hair cuts I've gotten are all in one way or another linked with Azlan. The first one I got in my first trimester when I was throwing up soooo much, I just wanted to feel better. At the hair dresser, I told the women thank you so much I really needed to be spoiled right now and we went through the usual conversations of how he was the first baby and how the others can get easier. And how we were excited and the usual small talk at a hair dresser.

The second hair cut I then got was about 9 months later. After he was gone and before I returned to work. It was the same place, different hair dresser. All she could do was go on about how thin my hair was and how much my hair was falling out and how I need to come in every 3 months to keep trimming my hair. Each time I was like Uh Huh, yes, you're right, I will...in my head all I heard was blah blah blah blah blah yap yap blah blah.

The third time was 6 months later, just a couple days ago. Same place again, and back to the first hair dresser. Of course neither one of them remembered me. I was very excited about this cut, because I had let my hair grow and grow and it looked pretty lifeless now. I had been trying to get through to them on a number which no longer worked so one Sunday my husband just said to me get ready - time to go...he just took me and left me there to get a cut - so I was caught pretty off guard. The funny thing is, every time I would go to get my hair cut I would go over and over what style I wanted and try to explain to them and they'd usually do a pretty good job. This time I went, picked up a hair style magazine, put it straight down and just told her - this length and feathered or layered or something. Do whatever you want. She cut the length and I'm like sure - thats fine...and she took about 20 minutes to finish. I had waist length hair and now it just falls under my shoulder. I hadn't intended to get it cut so short and my first reaction was "Oh my God" - and my second reaction was "Whatever". She then started to blow dry my hair and I asked her to stop. I HATE HATE blow drying. I feel like the hairdryer is going to burn my scalp off. But she insisted and again I was like OK - go for it.

Ultimately its a kick ass cut. But what I realized that I'm so indifferent about my hair now...where as before I was panicky as a foal. Its not a good or bad thing - just different.

Feeling the Pain of Others

After you've been through a loss that is so heart wrenching it becomes almost impossible to recover from, you almost become insensitive to the pain of others. That's a very negative place to be in. Most of us grow up being taught that you should look at people who have less than you do so that you can be more appreciative of what you have or never think that things can't get worse because they always can. But when you hit a point in life where you feel that your pain is the worst there is - that's hitting rock bottom and its really hard but equally as important to bring yourself up again.

In a recent meeting I was having with a coworker that was visiting from the US, we started talking about life after death and spiritual experiences. He went on to tell us that he had lost his wife to cancer and that had brought about one of the most profound spiritual experiences he had through a dream. A dream which involved his wife, her pain, and letting go. His sharing of the story was so sudden and so unexpected that it completely caught all of us off guard. And because it caught me off guard, after a very long time I was able to feel someone else's pain, feel for someone else's loss, where my loss was not the worse there is, and where someone else had gone through something very different but equally as painful in its own way.

I feel for this coworker of mine - to lose your life partner has to be one of the most difficult pains in life. And I know one of every couple has to feel it sooner or later. Its difficult to think, do I want to be the first that goes or do I want it to be my husband. Do I want to go before him so that I don't feel the pain once he's gone? Or do I not want HIM to feel loss all over again?

Ultimately its not in our hands. Its not in our hands whether our spouse goes first, whether our children die before us, whether we die before anyone else. Life just ends.

There's nothing we can do about it, except maybe enjoy every moment - as much as is humanly possible.

Bye Bye Kitty

Well, for those of those who were reading - Isis, my cat is gone to another home. For those who are new, read Pets After Loss.



She's gone to a great home - been taken by a friend of mine who has taken her for her grandfather who lives all alone. I hope they're happy together!

The Other Nursery

Since we lived in an extended family system we never set up the "nusery" when Azlan was born since it was going to be the corner of our room. Mr. Hubby was going to set up the crib while I recovered at my mom's place - the standard "procedure" in our culture when a couple is living in an extended family system. That was the plan.

Afterwards all the things at home were removed ever before I got back home. That itself is another story, about how people invaded personal space - thinking they were doing "what was the best" for us. But one way or another, everything got stowed away in closets and under beds.

The other nursery was one that I had set up in my office. Being the lead for the HR team, I was lucky enough to convince my company of opening a nursery within the office for women who have babies and would like to work. There was a girl who delivered just 3 months before I was going to deliver and another who delivered 3 months afterwards. So I figured, awesome - I'll plan this nursery for 3 babies, mine included.

I did everything for that nursery, from crib shopping, food warmers, boy/girl paint colors, blinds, sofa's the works. It's a small affair but it was just enough for us to work and have our little ones with us. Again, that was the plan.

The nursery started being used by the first baby while I was on maternity leave. After Azlan died, I didn't even think about this nursery until I joined work again - and that too a good deal afterwards. I just couldn't enter that room. It was a perfectly well put together nursery and my baby was supposed to be there - it wasn't supposed to be there without him. It took me 8 months - , 8 months of waking up in the morning, thinking today I will go in there, 8 months of crossing the nursery and thinking just walk in...8 months for me to go inside that room. And it hit my like a fist in my chest. It was so much harder to be in there than I thought it would have been. And I haven't gone back in there since then.

Whats worse is, again thanks to the 'blessings' of being in HR I'm the one who's responsbile for the miantenance of this nursery. Initially I kept fighting the issue but for how long? Today I finally got involved - and just the things that need to be done, have left me with a wonderful headache. Only because, my baby was supposed to be there too.

Blueberry Custard Pie

The smell of fresh baked pie - enough to cheer anyone up - and give you that warm cozy feeling.

This is the first time I baked after Azlan, and I used to bake A LOT! The pie ultimately fell apart when being cut, but I did use canned pie filling :P This pie wasn't even for me, nor was it baked at my house - it was baked at my mom's house for a number of guests that had come. Infact, it wasn't even baked entirely by me, my sister made the custard that went inside. So I guess I haven't baked entirely by myself as yet - but hey its a start.

Calming Music

Damien Rice - Cannonball
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
The Verve Pie - Colorful
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

The Hug of Stranger

Almost 9 months now. In all these 9 months there have been various people, situations, ways in which I have told others "I had a son, but he passed away". And each time people have reacted differently, and in ways which really wasn't too surprising. Some would change the topic, and some would give some kind words of condolence and then change the topic. But never to this day has someone's reaction actually thrown ME off - until the day before.

A couple of my coworkers and I were meeting with a lady for conducting training for our company. The meeting went fine, business as usual. Afterwards she was telling us how she was trying to get her daughters into the training field as well, and asked myself and my coworker if we had any kids. My first answer to this question is a simple no...I know I've read that many people who have had similar experiences prefer to say yes the first time this question is asked, but for me, for now - the first answer is no - I don't have any children with me. However, this very interesting instructor had met my husband a day or so back at his company and she proceeded to say something along the lines "I'm surprised, you husband seems like a great person and seems like the person who would love to have kids". Well, once she said that, I told her - I told her we had a son and that we lost him.

Her reaction - blew me away. I could literally see the tears form in her eyes. And she went completely speechless. So I started to blab, because I don't like being the cause of catching someone off guard. Blabbing the usual, about how such things can make you stronger, or how we're lucky that as a couple we've become closer and all that. She went on to say that she had goosebumps, and I said I'm sorry - and at the same time I'm thinking, why am I saying I'm sorry?? She must have been wondering the same thing. Then she actually went on to ask what happened! In a very polite way but I was blown away again! How many people actually care to hear what happened?

We wrapped up the meeting shortly afterwards, but before she left she shook everyone's hand - and gave me a hug. And that hug, I believe I will remember for the rest of my life. Why? She didn't know me, sure its a sad story - but what difference did it make to her? But she felt for us - she felt for our loss - she felt sad that Azlan was gone. And she showed it. And that simple hug from a near stranger was enough for me to feel, hey - we really have people out there who care for and will care for us. Who may not bring up Azlan even though we want them to, but who still remember him. Who give us those few extra minutes that they otherwise wouldn't have given.

This is not to say we're starved for attention or a little love or a little comfort - but sometimes being reminded that we're not alone in all of this makes the day a little bit better.

Breakfasts That Make You Happy

So, on Sunday's - and sometimes Saturdays and sometimes holidays between the week, my husband and I like to spoil ourselves with killer breakfasts. And we've now begun to keep a collection of pictures just to show off to our friends!

Starting from the sausages, clockwise: Beef Sausages, Scrambled Eggs, Mexican Rice, Chicken Chimichanga, Cheese Quesadilla.

I call this, The Mexican Breakfast Plate!


By the way, the rice and chicken quesadilla were leftovers from a very big dinner the night before :P

The Generation Before Us

There's such a generation gap between every generation I wonder what the generation after mine will think about this one. The way we think, what our priorities are, the way we explain things to the "younger" generation. Everything's different.

We were visiting my husband's aunt - who must be in her late 60's or early 70's. She randomly started talking to us about Azlan, ofocurse never mentioning his name because such things are never mentioned. I wonder if they even know his name. But the gist of her talk to us revovled around trying for more children so that we could forget him. And I really wanted to say to her, we don't WANT to forget him - it has nothing to do with more children or not, we just don't and will not forget him.

And initially I started off exteremely angry at her, how could she just go on and on without thinking of what she was saying. The fact that she'd recently lost her husband did nothing to sooth my anger at her or try to be understanding. I only stayed quiet out of respect for her age. But afterwards, when we were leaving, Salman started talking about how genuine what she was saying was - how her prayers for us were all from the heart. And how we had so many people who actually cared enough for us to try to explain things to us - in their own way, but they cared.

So I guess thats what it comes down to - when people say things that make you wonder "What the hell were you thinking" look at things from their point of view - maybe they're doing only what they know.

Too Beautiful for Earth

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,

Then whispered as she closed the book,

"Too beautiful for Earth"

-Unknown

Money and Happiness

About two minutes before my husband told me about J. Travolta's son passing away, he had been showing me pictures of the jets that he owns and flies - and I had said "That just shows that he has way too much money". And then we read that his 16 year old son had passed away.

My heart goes out to that family. Personally I feel that losing a child who is in their teens just is equally hard or harder than losing one who was just born. Both have their own trials.

But, one thing was driven home once again - the daily struggle for money. When it comes down to it money really can't give you what you need. Money really can't give you the happiness you require. When we heard that Azlan was unwell, multiple people told the doctors that money was not an issue. My mom, hubby, hubby's bro - but all the money in the world would not have saved our angel. And so very sadly, all the money in the world could not save J. Travolta's son.

Enjoy the pleasures in life! Running after a career or job that will give you money - is that really going to make you happy?

I think not.